Happy Holidays

I am taking Christmas back from Bill O'Reilly. He can kiss my butt. I love Christmas, but seriously most people like the gifts and trees and crap. Give the whole "secularists hate Jesus." I believe myself to be a Christian in the traditional sense of the word. But, I know many people who are not religious and they don't hate Jesus or the holidays. Let it rest!

but, for everyone else, Merry Christmas and Happy Happy to any holiday you celebrate!

Television...

TV is really in a great period right now. Everyone is aware of Lost and Desperate Houswives, two shows that kick major ass. But, please watch Arrested Development and life as we know it. They are struggling and they are some of the best shows on TV. So, it would be a nice thing if they lasted.

But, ABC should be patting themselves on the back for creating some great television.

Get Thee to a Video Store...

Yesterday Robert Altman's "Short Cuts" was released on DVD. I am getting my copy tomorrow after work. Anyone who loves film and loves humanity should have this movie. This is my favorite Altman film, it made me seek out his other work. I saw "Popeye" when I was a kid, but didn't know he directed it. And, I love that film. Different debate for a different day!

"Short Cuts" takes several stories and one poem from great American writer Ray Carver and weaves them in a coherent and realistic narrative. The film is long and some of the stories are not my favorites, but as a whole piece of work looking at human relationships it says a lot. The story has no formal ending and there are very few epiphanies. Unfortunately, this is true of life. Most of us don't change and most of us feel our lives are hermetically sealed. Altman's film refutes this, he makes us look at ourselves and determine if we truly make decisions that affect no one.

This is not a film for fans of Michael Bay. All the explosions are internal. But, there is some amazing acting. You will get to see an actual performance from Andie McDowell and look for cameos from Altman regulars. Also, this is the movie that foisted Julianne Moore on an unsuspecting society. Her performance here is one of her best and truly brave. Pubes are brave! Altman is also one of the few people who realizes that we live in a multicultural world. He never pushes it in your face, but he truly realizes that in the present cultures are not hermetically sealed.

So, go get it. Give Criterion a big kiss and thank God that some people follow their muse no matter how bleak or unprofitable it is.

Guess Who's Back?

Okay, I'm done talking about politics and I'm gonna go back to writing crap.

I hope to post more and also make those posts fun and cute. I want to be a beacon of superficiality in these times. It has been a sad week and now it's time to get back to the business at hand.

But, on one sad note, I just read that ODB died. The rap world lost a true original and someone who always played it on the edge.

"Wu-Tang is for the children." Remember that. And listen to some WU and ODB in memory of his passing. You won't regret it!

The Revolution Will NOT Be Televised

I can't believe it...he won. Why?
Do people like losing their jobs to Indians and want to scrape together a mortage working the AM shift at Target and the PM shift at GM?
Do people want their family members to fight in a war and die that we created?
Do people want to make sure minorities and gays have no voice, including their family members? And trust me, you all have gay relatives, they are afraid to tell you.
Do people want a country where librarians can go to jail for doing their job?
Do people want a draft?
Do people want much of the Constitution over turned?
Do people want unbreatheable air and more gas taxes?
Do people want to never pay for a college education?
Do people want the US to never be respected again? Remember, once people around the world looked up to us?
Well, if this is what you wanted, congrats! You succeeded. Just remember, that all the "red" states will never be bombed. Us "blue" states (NY, DC, California, Illinois) with a lot at stake might never recover. 9/11 never forget, more like never remember.

A Quick One While He's Away

VOTE

VOTE

VOTE

VOTE

VOTE

VOTE

VOTE

Amazingly, I really think it matters this time. I'll be at the polls at 6am. See you there, bleary eyed but democratic!

Advice to Those Who Didn't Ask

Everyday when I walk down the street, I get asked, "Amy, do you have any advice for celebrities?" And I always answer in the affirmative. I have plenty of advice for today's shining stars.

To Wit:
For Claire Danes and Britney Spears- If the guy you are dating left his girlfriend who was eight months pregnant, he might not be the guy for you.
For Lindsay Lohan- Do not become Tara Reid's good friend. Tara is a cutie who was unable to getting roles in movies by Robert Altman and The Coen Brothers. She wasted her career partying. Do not follow her example. A lot of people like you.
To Edward Furlong- Please lose weight and stop thinking the shit you pulled at 14 was cute. It's not anymore.
To Natalie Portman- I forgot you could act until I saw "Garden State" please ponder that.
For Tara Reid- I love you, please try to get some work again. Making horror slop for Dimension is not the way to go.
For Courtney Love- Enough already. I am tired of defending you.
For Little Kim- Please stop trying to look like Donatella Versace.

That's all for now. But, if any celebs need advice, I'm here.

If Elected I Will Not Serve...

If I ran for president I would try to be as honest as possible. I would probably never get elected. People say they want an honest politician but they do not. They want someone to make them feel better.
But, my platform would be as follows:
- College education would be greatly reduced and all wanting an education would get one.
- A return to core technical learning in hands on jobs (mechanic, plumber, cosmetologist) as a way to increase the skill level required for all jobs.
- A sliding minimum wage as follows, teens ages 14-16 4.00 an hour, teens ages 16-19 6.00 an hour, adults up to the age of 60 12.50 an hour, and all adults over 60 4.00 an hour. This I believe would create a workforce that could be mobile and not rely on welfare and services as much.
- Welfare for disabled and elderly. Medical services would be free, excluding plastic surgery.
- Eating organic and gym memberships would be tax deductible. Any person 50 or more pounds overweight would pay into a fund for special services required for their weight.
- Fast food, gas, cigarettes, and alcohol would have a higher sin tax. These monies would go to fight illness and create better energy options.
- Prostitution and drugs would be legal and have unions, benefits, and help for addicts. This would create more income to the government and safer conditions for all.
- All logging and exploration would require regrowth efforts and preserving coastlines and wetlands.
- Taxes would be paid on a sliding scale similar to the minimum wage scale. With the top 5 percent paying more in taxes than the lowest 5 percent. All giving to charity would be untaxable and untax deductible.
- Gay marriage would be legal, however, no church is under any obligation to marry someone who does not believe in that church's values.
-Condoms, safe, sex and abstinence would be taught as a comprehensive whole in schools starting in fifth grade.

To sum it up, I believe in this country. I believe in the Constitution. It lives and breathes. It is here to always give rights. (Excluding Prohibition which was a failure) We do it slowly sometimes. (3/5ths of a person anyone?) But, we make things better. I think that's the way to make things better.

Just Thinking...

I have come to the realization that I am what the kids term a "playa hater". And, I am going to say something about this right now. You're damn right, I am a hater. I hate almost everyone. A lot of people think this is crazy, but I can't help it. I find most people unbearable. Many times, I find myself unbearable.
I am going to admit something right now...
I am a self- loathing white person.
I hate white people. Most of them are fools. The ones who get on the train at 81st Street with their Manhattan Portage bags and copies of "Life of Pi". I just want to strangle them. They don't get it. The whole world hates them and their yuppie values. They walk around talking about polenta, pilates, and produce (preferably organic). They live in a shell. Why is that white people can live in a world where they never "know" a black person, but for black people this is not the case. But, for the most part everyone sits together in the cafeteria. I keep hoping for things to change, but it seems as if the big battles have been fought. Now we all just have to fight the small battles...
"Some of my best friends..."
"But not you, you're different"
"I'm moving for economic reasons"
"Wigger"
"You act white"
It's 2004 and a biologist did a long term research that came to one conclusion. Race is a mental construct, melanin is the only difference.

Amy's Top 10 Lists (Like you care...)

Here are few top ten lists from me to you:

Amy's Top Ten Movies of All Time:
1. Short Cuts
2. Boogie Nights
3. Splendor in the Grass
4. Goodfellas
5. Carrie
6. Escape from New York
7. The Rescuers
8. Office Space
9. Kingpin
10. Groundhog Day
Honorable Mention: Fame, All that Jazz, Singing in the Rain, Annie Hall, People Vs. Larry Flynt, Jackie Brown, Harold and Maude, Best in Show, The Royal Tennenbaums, and The Breakfast Club and Mean Girls.

Amy's Top Books of All Time:
1. Eloise
2. The Giver
3. Slaughterhouse Five
4. Huckleberry Finn
5. American Psycho
6. The Pearl
7. Silas Marner
8. To Kill a Mockingbird
9. Sloppy Firsts/Second Helpings
10. Sense and Sensibility
Honorable Mention: The Grapes of Wrath, Everything that Rises Must Converge, Cathedral, The Sweet hereafter, Slapstick, Robert McKee's Story, The Red Pony, Emma, Under the Banner of Heaven, Devil in the White City and Fast Food Nation.

Amy's Top Ten Albums of All Time:
1. Rubber Soul The Beatles
2. Fear of a Black Planet Public Enemy
3. Can't Buy a Thrill Steely Dan
4. Paul's boutique The Beastie Boys
5. Rumours Fleetwood Mac
6. 3 Feet High and Rising De La Soul
7. Candi Staton Candi Staton
8. Revolver The Beatles
9. Sign o' the Times Prince
10. The Black Album Jay-Z
Honorable Mention: Shake you Money Maker The Black Crowes, Pretzel Logic Steely Dan, apocalypse 91...Public Enemy, Way to Blue Nick Drake, Greatest Hits Aretha Franklin, Pearl Janis Joplin, Highway to Hell AC/DC, Destroyer KISS, What's Going On? Marvin Gaye, and In Search Of...NERD and Magnolia Aimee Mann/various

Amy's Top Ten TV Shows Right Now:
1. Six Feet Under
2. All My Children
3. Queer Eye for the Straight Guy
4. Clean Sweep
5. Chappelle's Show
6. Reno 911
7. Real Time with Bill Maher
8. Pardon the interruption
9. I Love the...(fill in the decade)
10. Pimp my Ride

Let the games begin. What do you think?

William and Mary Won't Do

So, in about a month, my class is having its 10 year reunion. I'm not real sure how I feel about it. I'm going. You want to know why I'm going? Because I'm petty and want to brag about my awesome life. I want to show people how cool my life is. Okay, so I work a lot, feel stress from the hustle and bustle of my city, and have noise sensitivity disorder. I'm making it! I can show everyone how awesome I am.

You would think that I would be a bigger person than that. That I would be unfazed by it, but I'm not. This is going to sound off, but deep down I'm shallow. I love to brag and show people what I've got. I love having nice things, traveling, and having a cuter husband than I ever thought I would get.

Who knows? This whole thing could be a big downer. But, I'm hoping for some gloating and hopefully someone will play some Steely Dan.

Amy's Theory of Soap Operas (A tentative version)

Okay, a lot of people will not admit to watching soap operas. They're not quality, the viewers are dumb, they have no redeeming values. To this I say HHMMPH! I disagree. Soap operas are some of the most progressive shows on television, which in turn, says a lot about their viewers.

I watch "All My Children" regularly (Thank you Soapnet!). So, my entire theory is based around this show. There are other shows I drop in on and they too are progressive. But, as a frequent viewer, who started watching the show in utero. I will comment specifically on AMC.

America, not counting New York and California, is supposedly this conservative and prudish place filled with right wingers and racists who want to blow up abortion clinics. Now, if this was the case, and if many of these people were women, what can explain soap operas?

Interracial couples featuring both black men/white women and vice versa were first seen on soaps, abortions have been performed on soap operas without anyone dying or being punished, AMC had TV's first lesbian in the 80's and OLTL (one life to live) had TV's first gay character face homophobia. On these shows people will share controversial opinions that are discussed in a way that primetime would never touch.

A recent example followed the character of Bianca Montgomery facing an unwanted pregnancy. AMC had two characters give long speeches about choice. The character did not have an abortion but had the baby. Other characters have chosen to terminate pregnancies. Now, think about primetime. There is lots of talk about choice, but the character usually has a miscarriage before any sticky issues can be looked at.

So, either America as a whole is more liberal in personal issues or soap operas only appeal to the educated class. Which is it?

Lady Porn

People are always looking for ways to arouse women. They talk about making porn for the ladies. Something seductive, something that is made with romance involved...Along with the DVDA. But, I already get aroused often. On a good week, maybe three times. What is the magical elixir that stirs my womanhood? Pottery Barn, J. Crew, and the Williams Sonoma catalogs.

These catalogs are what I call "Lady Porn". Watch a woman over the age of 25 look at these catalogs. Their face is flushed, there may be some inappropriate touching. Why? Why do women love it? Why do I love it? Let's look at each catalog and see what mysteries of the female mind they hold.

Williams Sonoma Catalog: The food in the catalog is always decadent (pound cake mix, ice cream sandwiches, etc.) and can be made at home! No need to feel guilty in public you make beautiful food at home in pretty appliances. The products are lux and have the air of fancy to them. And, never underestimate the power of a pannini press.

J. Crew Catalog: Yes, there are beautiful boys and skinny, smart looking girls. They are all laughing together and having a great time. But, their good looks are not the only thing that makes this catalog such a must. The clothes! Oh my Lord, they put together blue blazers, knit golf shirts, and rumpled khakis. Just imagine Toby Maguire in that outfit, or Djimon Hounsou, or John Stewart. Holy crap! I need a minute.

Pottery Barn Catalog: I went and saved the best for last. Pottery Barn. How can I describe it? What makes it such an object of lust? Could it be the upper middle class homes that are bedecked with antiqued telephone stands or the wrought iron beds with 1000 thread count sheets patterned in lilies of the valley. Maybe its the silver fans and black 1940's telephones and the leather ottomans or the armoires or the...I need a cigarette break.

Cue the Darth Vader Theme...

So, the Lakers are offering the coaching job to Coach K (I'm not even going to try to spell his last name) from Duke the head coach job. Perfect! Super! Great! As if the Los Angeles Lakers are not the most despised team around, you are going to hire a coach that college basketball fans love to hate. Yep, that ought to just about make your team as popular as ebola monkeys.

Coach K is a great coach, he has done everything he can with the Blue Devils. But, this could be another Pitino situation. What works in college does not work in professional.

I honestly feel like if Coach K takes it he will be giving in. I think he is tired of losing recruits and underclassmen to the draft. Going to Duke, just a few years ago, was a sign that you were going to get an actual education, albeit in sociology or phys ed., but you would have a degree. Now, Duke is losing as many underclassmen as any team out there. I think it kills Coach K to not be ruining as many players for the pros.

Ruining? Why would I say that? Look at Lattner, Hurley, Hill, Parks, etc... I guess he just wants to ruin some professional players now. Great, do it with the Lakers. But, Shaq, please leave. Go someplace fun. I like you as a person, you twisted my arm during the MTV Cribs episode, go to a team that won't be run by two preening wackos.

Worst Post Ever...

So, here is the first post. Wow. I can feel the magic...Wait, should the magic be a burning sensation? Oh well, too late now. You have entered my domain, where thoughts run free and are only fed grains. Free range blogging. After this sorry post I will be ranting about any number of topics and hopefully you will come and look. I think this is going to be fun, but who knows, it could be the dumbest thing ever.

But, I am hoping that what I write at least gets you to think and to maybe like me. I am deathly afraid of not being loved and all of you reading will keep me from swirling into an alcoholic shame spiral. So, no pressure on you.

Well, keep your eyes on the stars and your feet on the ground. Until the next time...