I Continue to Be Fascinated by the Duggar Family

Have you ever seen this family? If you have, then you, like me have watched the approximately 5 specials that the Discovery Channel/ Discovery Health has shown about this family.

A little backstory for those of you who don't know. The Duggar family has 16 children. (The picture is from 2004 and missing 2 kids I think.) The family lives in Arkansas and basically since the age of 22 this woman has not stopped being pregnant.

So, why am I fascinated? Let me list the ways.

• The family is obviously religious (clothes, hair, location, 16 kids) but Discovery edits out almost anything that would even suggest they are religious. This is hilarious to me as the fact that most people can deduce they are religious by only looking at the surface.
• A woman who has been pregnant for almost 16 straight years is unfathomable to me. The pain, discomfort, and general hormonal changes mean that this woman has not had her period for almost 2 decades. Not a problem, but it doesn't seem normal. It also seems that you cannot ever feel normal. Just on a basic level, her vagina has to be blown out and able to use as a parachute.
• The amount of food, clothes, etc. that they buy is always staggering. And, again, Discovery is quick to keep out any information as to how they make a living. This makes a cynic like myself believe that they receive government subsidies. I think this would keep many people from finding the story heartwarming and so it is omitted.
• I'm a sucker for fundamentalist clothing. Prairie dresses, pleated khakis, long hair that is a pseudo mullet with odd feathering. (See photo above.)

I'm sure there are more things, but it all kind of becomes one big blur. I have seen all their shows and I watch them multiple times. I am fascinated and a little dumbfounded. I hope I grow tired of it. But, I probably won't.

I Hate to Say "I Told You So"

But, I told you so.

http://www.cnn.com/2006/LAW/08/28/ramsey.arrest/index.html

It's tough always being right.

A Message to Brooklyn Courtesy The Onion

When I moved into this neighborhood, I fell in love right away. Not with the actual neighborhood, but with its potential: It's affordable, there are nice row houses all around just waiting to be filled up by my friends, there's lot of open space to be exploited, and plenty of parking. Plus, this area has got a great authentic feel and, with a little work, it could be even more authentic. Perfect, right?
So why am I the only one doing anything about it?
I am always telling my other struggling artist, freelance graphic designer, and independent T-shirt-maker friends that this is the neighborhood to take it to. It's the next big thing. Sure, it's an hour from my day job and right next to a stinky canal and a power station, but that's the whole charm—it keeps the yuppies out.
It's frustrating, though. My friends insist they're happy where they are. But if they only saw the idealized neighborhood I see, where that rundown old health clinic is turned into a tattoo parlor, and that Last Supper mural is replaced with one featuring Radiohead or a stylized corporate octopus, they'd come around.
The problem is that the property owners here are clueless. They fill their yards with pavement and statues of the Virgin Mary, when all they have to do is clear that brush and we'd have a great beer garden or bocce court. They're spending all this money to renovate the old church, when it'd be put to better use split it up into condos. My landlord has no idea this apartment—hell, every apartment in this building—is undervalued. He could quadruple his profits by cutting my place in half. So I give him an extra 20 bucks a month hoping he gets the hint, but he just takes it out of the next month's rent.
Do any of these people appreciate what the neighborhood they're living in could be?
I'm trying to convince the owners of that taqueria on the corner to change their décor to incorporate some more of that funky Day Of The Dead motif I really like. But they insist on bland white walls. Ugh! I can barely pronounce the name, let alone enjoy its delicious, reasonably priced meals. Plus, you could take all the cool stuff from the five thrift stores and make one really great vintage shop. They'd make a fortune! And, you know, we would all have a fantastic view of downtown if only they'd tear down that dilapidated garage by the waterfront. Or, better yet, they could turn it into a restaurant with a roof deck. Can you say "brunch on the harbor"?
I can't be the only one who'd like to see a community garden and dog run around here, can I?
It sure would help attract people like me if there was a record store, too, and not the one with the giant Shakira cutout in the window. I mean a decent one. I went in to see if they had the new Fiery Furnaces, and they had never heard of it. They said they'd see if they could order it for me, but I declined. I mean, what's the point of supporting a local business if it's not cool?
It feels like I'm the only one trying to do any good around here.
When I first moved in, I loved the 50-cent coffees—it was like living in the '80s—but I wish they'd listen to me and start making lattes. I know I'd pay the extra three bucks, and I'm sure everyone else around here would, too.
I've tried being proactive. But none of the locals I've talked to about bringing in a co-op health-food grocery store have seemed excited at all. Nor have I gotten any of them to take part in my community open-house idea for hip young people to come see what this neighborhood is capable of. What did they do instead? They had a barbecue. With very loud music.
I mean, I don't want the people here to leave. I just want them to stay inside more. Especially if they're not going to do anything to bring this community to life. But they're always out on their stoops, just playing dominoes or talking. I like talking, but I do it inside, where it was meant to be done. It makes me uncomfortable to have people watching me all the time. Not that I think they'd do anything, but I just like to be a little more private.
Also, their dogs stay outside and bark all day. I like dogs just fine, but why can't their dogs be smaller and more nervous?
It's getting to the point where I feel like I'm tilting at windmills. But I can't give up—I know this neighborhood would benefit from the diversity of more people like me moving in. If you need a good place to live, come check out my 'hood. It's quirky, but it could use a few more creative types to get it jumping. But no developers—those guys just ruin it for the rest of us.

I Can't Believe I'm Writing This...

I am writing this with a sense of shame and sadness. Over a year ago, I decreed that the song "My Humps" was satanic. I used the term satanic because I had never heard a song so badly made with such dumb lyrics and amateur hour production. The song, needless to say, went all the way to number one. I still firmly believe that the hand of Satan made this possible.

So, why all the backstory? Because Fergie, the "female" singer of the Black Eyed Peas, has now come out with her solo joint. Besides the fact that her team was smart enough to name the album "The Dutchess" (wink, wink. get it?) they have created a song that is also even more influenced by Satan. The song is "London Bridge".

This song has an amazing beat. The lyrics are, shall we say, confusing and immature. There have been some bad euphemisms for sex. I'm looking at you Kelis and your milkshake, but we have come up for a new one that has officially blown my mind.

"Every time you come around/ my London, London Bridge wanna go down."

What?

I can't even begin to fathom what this is. But, I am pretty sure that whatever I think of could give me nightmares of the Lovercraft/Sutter Cane variety. Society might crumble because of this song. And, do you know why I feel this way? Because I love this song!

I can usually stay away from things like this. But, the beat is redrunkulous. And the lyrics are dumb, but easy to learn. It creates a song that never leaves your brain.

So, I apologize to all my fans and everyone who thought I had good taste. It's obvious I can be seduced to the dark side.

Get these motherf@$%ing snakes off my motherf@$%ing review!!!!

So it was inevitable. When the title of this movie was first leaked on the internet, I knew I would be there. The title was genius. So obvious, so specific, so perfect. Snakes on a Plane. What more could you ask?
After seeing the movie you knew this interaction could never happen.
"I would like my money back I was completely dissatisfied. I saw a movie that was filled with plot holes, bad acting, and general stupidity. It was called Snakes on a Plane and it was not to the quality I expect."
When you see a movie like this you know what to expect.
I knew what to expect.
The thing that sells the movie is the fact that it knows what it is. It never tries to be anything more than a fun frightfest. It reminded me more of the kinds of things Roger Corman used to make in the 1970's. It was closer to Pirahna than Jaws.
Many times movies try to be more than they are. This movie knew it was a B movie with a plot open for fun and gross-outs. It delivered like Dominoes. Many of the deaths were scary and many had the audience saying "aaahhhhh". Fantastic.
There are a few surprises as to who lived although all the deaths were telegraphed. The British jerk is marked from his first scene. But it's worth it because the death he causes and his own death are great. You laugh and are disgusted at the same time. That's the mark of quality in exploitation. A great thing about the movie was the high percentage of "that guys" who filled the screen. There were jokes that were intentional and unintentional and they even used the old spring loaded cat device. Luckily the film went for an R rating so we got some boobies, a snake attached to a penis, and many gory snake attacks leaving bloated, bloody, and severely damaged victims.
The plot doesn't really matter. But, I will say that the writing, directing, and acting were all better than they needed to be. I was surprised they went out and got some real actors and even some of the lesser characters did some real acting. The plot has a few holes, but honestly, no more than movies that purport to have bigger budgets, stars, and quality.
The biggest thing I missed was seeing this at a seedy Times Square theater. The audience I saw it with however, screamed, laughed, and applauded. They had a good time. I had a good time. I only wish it was the 70's so I could have seen this film with Frogs, Sssss, or Death Race 2000.
Come check out these motherf@$%ing snakes on the motherf@$%ing plane.

Movie Quiz Madness

Especially for Kelly, I tried to make this one especially hard!!!!!
Good luck to all!
Here are three songs and the artists who perform them. Guess the movie.

• The Man in Me (Bob Dylan)
• Hotel California (Los Lobos)
• Her Eyes are a Blue Million Miles (Captain Beefheart)

hahahahahahahahaha!!!!!
I hope to see plenty of guesses!

Rememberence of Therapy's Past

Tired of solipsistic blogs? Too bad. I am sorry that many of you didn't see my comedy husband Josh Homer. But, you will have to see him sometime. He is a great comic and you will want to say you knew him when.

Now, on to the show. Adam, as always, was hilarious and a great host. He is a pro at it and I can't wait for his show at Caroline's. It should be awesome.

The weirdest thing about the show was everyone talking to each other like blind dates. "Hey I've seen your picture. Aren't you...I really like your blog." It was some wild, weird stuff. But, putting voices, personalities, and comedy to the names was amazing. There are many times I do not feel like a comic. Last night, I felt like a comic. I talked about jokes, rooms, the state of comedy. It was great.

Now, on to my set. I don't really brag that much about my sets. I don't talk about my shows because I am not comfortable with it. I also think that many times people are deluded about how well or badly they did. But, I just want to say that last night was one of the best sets I've ever had. The jokes hit and after the show many of my people, the gays, came up and gave me love. I got such a warm fuzzy. Also, Robin Fox gassed me up after my set so I was walking on air.

For anyone who has never seen me, I'll just quote Jeanne Noll. "I've only seen your picture. I never thought your comedy would be like that."

It was a great night. Laughs, tears, comedy. It was everything I look for in a show. And, I got to see some amazing comics. Here in NYC, we might all be struggling, but it is not for lack of talent. I was so proud.

But, enough about me. What do you think of me?

Celebrity Sufferers of Exhaustion...Unite!!!!

You can now add yours truly to this list of heavyweights. I just got back from a medical appointment. I am officially suffering from exhaustion related to my lyme disease.
To wit:
For the past week I have had a lot of pain on my right side. For those of you who do not remember all of your Amy lore, at age fifteen I had shingles and they were on my right side. Now, a little medical information. Shingles is the provence of the extreme aged, unless your name is Amy Patrick.
So, I was a little nervous. I decided to get a check up. My doctor ran a battery of tests, asked questions, and did some more tests. Thankfully, I do not have palsy!!!! That is common with lyme sufferers. I have had lyme for almost six years and this is the first big flair up with it.
I have been ordered to spend the next week taking it easy, taking medicine, and continue with my diet and exercise. So, along with my other celebrity brethren, I am officially suffering from exhaustion.

The Movie Quiz Strikes Again!!!!!

Another movie quiz to tide you over...

What movie featured these three songs:

• I'm Your Boogie Man- KC and the Sunshine Band
  
• Hang on Sloopy- The McCoy's
  
• Dream Weaver- Gary Wright

Also, if you have this Sunday free, come see me at Therapy (http://www.therapy-nyc.com/).