Advice to Those Who Didn't Ask

Everyday when I walk down the street, I get asked, "Amy, do you have any advice for celebrities?" And I always answer in the affirmative. I have plenty of advice for today's shining stars.

To Wit:
For Claire Danes and Britney Spears- If the guy you are dating left his girlfriend who was eight months pregnant, he might not be the guy for you.
For Lindsay Lohan- Do not become Tara Reid's good friend. Tara is a cutie who was unable to getting roles in movies by Robert Altman and The Coen Brothers. She wasted her career partying. Do not follow her example. A lot of people like you.
To Edward Furlong- Please lose weight and stop thinking the shit you pulled at 14 was cute. It's not anymore.
To Natalie Portman- I forgot you could act until I saw "Garden State" please ponder that.
For Tara Reid- I love you, please try to get some work again. Making horror slop for Dimension is not the way to go.
For Courtney Love- Enough already. I am tired of defending you.
For Little Kim- Please stop trying to look like Donatella Versace.

That's all for now. But, if any celebs need advice, I'm here.

If Elected I Will Not Serve...

If I ran for president I would try to be as honest as possible. I would probably never get elected. People say they want an honest politician but they do not. They want someone to make them feel better.
But, my platform would be as follows:
- College education would be greatly reduced and all wanting an education would get one.
- A return to core technical learning in hands on jobs (mechanic, plumber, cosmetologist) as a way to increase the skill level required for all jobs.
- A sliding minimum wage as follows, teens ages 14-16 4.00 an hour, teens ages 16-19 6.00 an hour, adults up to the age of 60 12.50 an hour, and all adults over 60 4.00 an hour. This I believe would create a workforce that could be mobile and not rely on welfare and services as much.
- Welfare for disabled and elderly. Medical services would be free, excluding plastic surgery.
- Eating organic and gym memberships would be tax deductible. Any person 50 or more pounds overweight would pay into a fund for special services required for their weight.
- Fast food, gas, cigarettes, and alcohol would have a higher sin tax. These monies would go to fight illness and create better energy options.
- Prostitution and drugs would be legal and have unions, benefits, and help for addicts. This would create more income to the government and safer conditions for all.
- All logging and exploration would require regrowth efforts and preserving coastlines and wetlands.
- Taxes would be paid on a sliding scale similar to the minimum wage scale. With the top 5 percent paying more in taxes than the lowest 5 percent. All giving to charity would be untaxable and untax deductible.
- Gay marriage would be legal, however, no church is under any obligation to marry someone who does not believe in that church's values.
-Condoms, safe, sex and abstinence would be taught as a comprehensive whole in schools starting in fifth grade.

To sum it up, I believe in this country. I believe in the Constitution. It lives and breathes. It is here to always give rights. (Excluding Prohibition which was a failure) We do it slowly sometimes. (3/5ths of a person anyone?) But, we make things better. I think that's the way to make things better.