A Short Hiatus...

This site will be back with more fun, more writing, and more awesomeness very soon.
I promise.

One Door Closes...

and another door opens.

So, I had my audition at the Strip last night. It went fine. I got laughs and I did a set that does me well at most places. But, it didn't serve me at the audition.

I didn't pass.

And, honestly, I felt like I wasn't going to when I started. Everything I personally think about my comedy, Starla verbalized. She said some of my humor was a little mean. That I got laughs but never a huge laugh. My humor is not "traditional" enough for the club.

She did say that she remembered me. That she liked that I took her advice about my mic usage. But, that maybe I wasn't a good fit for the Strip. C'est la vie!

But, while I was there. I did some amazing writing with Adrienne Iapalucci. We had an amazing session and came upon something amazing. I feel like it could go somewhere.

So, even though the set was not what I wanted. The things that happened later made being there worthwhile.

And, I got to talk comic books and the amazing new show "Heroes" with my buddy Sim. And, that was kinda great too.

Finally, a shout out of love to Robin Fox who always makes me feel great. And, I hope Andrienne and I made her feel a little better last night!

Stupid Rap Analogies to Discuss Friendship

Everyone knows Josh Homer, he is considered the asshole of the Soapbox. But, to me he is just my friend and benefactor. I could have done comedic, literature, or film analogies. I decided to use rap.

I am the Rah Digga to his Busta Rhymes

I am theFergie to his Wil. I. Am.

I am the Beanie Siegal to his Jay-Z

I am the Goodie Mob to his Outkast

I am the Kenny Parker to his KRS-One

I am the Juelez Santana to his Cam'Ron

And, most importantly...
I am the Lil' Kim to his Biggie.

The Whitest Day of my Life

So, I spend lots of time trying to be a "cool" white person. I try to make strides, go places, and do things that help my people become a little less corny. I get very tired of the whole, "white people walk like this…" thing that is prevelent in comedy.

It was with this purpose I went to a Jamaican baby shower. And, it was with this one event that I was directly transported back to reality. I saw for myself just how white I am.

Let me set the scene: The invitation said 9pm. I had to go from Brooklyn to the Bronx. This required a train and a bus and a walk. Two-fare zone you know? So, there was a lot of time spent getting there. I got there at 10pm. I thought I was late.

Wrong!!!!

The party was half empty. The person having the baby wasn't there yet. I saw someone I knew and talked them. However, that was difficult as there was a DJ there playing reggae. The party began to fill up more and more and by 11:30pm food was served.

At midnight the party was in effect. The gifts began to be opened. This was when the DJ got into full effect. When a gift was opened that was especially nice, the DJ would get on the mic and shout, "Lighters!!!" (say with accent) and then on his DJ equipment play the sound of gunshots.

It was during this time that I realized that everyone has cultural differences. It doesn't make it wrong. But it sure did make me feel white.

If Only...

So, after looking at this in depth, I can honestly say maybe Jessica Lange, but on her worst day and my best day.

The Greatest Fight I Ever Saw

People talk about great fights. These fights are usually competitions of professionals. The setting is a formal ring. There is money to be made and money being spent. And, most importantly, there is a referee and judges. This creates a feeling of legitimacy.

But, the best fight I saw had none of this. In fact, the fight was over within 3 minutes. There were no judges, only the court of public opinion. The thing that made this fight so great, so transcendent, was its simplicity.

I will set the scene. It was a typical afternoon at Carlisle High School. I was staying a little late to decorate my locker. (Sidebar: Yes, I was that queer.) I finished and was sitting in our lunch/common area while I waited for my ride. While I waited two freshman girls, whose names are lost to the mists of time, started yelling at each other.

The yelling escalated to one face smack and then a hard hair pull. That was it. It was finished. I was a little saddened that it didn't go any farther. But, there was a surprise in store.

The girl who pulled the hair had been thinking ahead. Literally. When the face smacker stepped outside a wind whipped across the sidewalk. As the wind blew, a huge chunk of her hair flew off. It was significant. It was big enough that the entire lunch area gasped. Phrases like "holy shit" flew like the hair.

For this one image alone. It was the greatest fight I ever saw.

The View With Rosie (A Review)

First of all, I'm not afraid to admit it. I have watched The View for the entire 10 year run. It started when I was a junior in college. I would watch it when I had some time off, because no matter how far I try to run from it, I am a midwestern girl at heart. I love a good coffee klatch as much as the next girl. In fact, I love it more.

So, my small town sensibilities were happy to watch The View. I was amazed at the spot that was usually filled by a "young" girl. Somehow, they seemed more out of touch than the other hosts. I wanted desperately to work there. I loved when SNL skewered them. Tracy Morgan's "I'm a lawyer" became a hilrious joke to everyone I watched the show with.

But, the past few years were not as good. Star Jones turned into an alien. As she lost weight both her literal head and figurative head grew to epic proportions. She lost her humor and with Elizabeth Hasselback their, she let her intolerant Republican flag fly. Joy was obviously disgusted and with Meredith leaving, the show needed help.

Enter from the wings Rosie O'Donnell. No matter your opinion of Rosie as a person, she is a heck of a talk show host. She knows how to turn it on and off and she can keep things going. Personally, I think Rosie probably has a lot of anger and maybe is not the nicest person. But, she has added a new life and fun to The View.

Watching The View now, you see chemistry, humor, and real fun. It is so much better than it has been in years. I hope Rosie stays for a while and I hope the 5th player TBA will keep the chemistry alive.

Which Band Am I Talking About???

So, I'm going to place a few facts in my pseudo-copyrighted bullet point style. Tell me if you know who this band is.

• This band toured when they were first popular and working within the paradigm of pop music. Once they began to explore studio space and lyrics, they essentially stopped touring all together.
• This band used film to cement their personas as "joker, lover, etc."
• This band put out a series of double albums that worked as solo sets and a group project.
• This band supported other artists and bands that they loved. However, none of these bands were ever even as close to fame as their benefactors.
• This band created music that stretched the boundary of their genre.
• This band faced years of break-up rumors before they actually broke up.

Who am I talking about?

I am actually talking about 2 bands. The first band is The Beatles anfd the other band is Outkast. These two groups have been in an almost parallel world. Both groups have had so many similarities that they appear to be the same. The only difference is pop vs. rap. So, for Outkast fans we have nowhere to go right now, except to wait for their break up and solo projects that will be good but will never have the power of their group work.

You have been warned.

Another Quiz in Lieu of an Actual Post

So, another quiz about me to tide you over until I actually post this weekend. Real writing. I promise.

You've Experienced 80% of Life

You have all of the life experience that most adults will ever get.And unless you're already in your 40s, you're probably wise beyond your years.

How Much Life Experience Do You Have?

I'm Bored and Taking Quizzes...Watch Out!!!

Take the quiz:
Which Mean Girls Character Are you? (girlz)

Cady Herron
Your a math freak, your a dork.

Quizzes by myYearbook.com -- the World's Biggest Yearbook!


Take the quiz:
Which X-Men Character are you most like?

Bobby Drake
Sometimes you can feel neglected and left out, but don't let what others say get you down, do what's best for you. You have energy hidden deep within you, even though sometimes you don't feel it. Sometimes you must tap that inner strength in order to succeed.

Quizzes by myYearbook.com -- the World's Biggest Yearbook!


Take the quiz:
What soda are you???

Shirley temple
You're fun and sweet, and although you may be a little bit childish, you're one of the best people to be around.

Quizzes by myYearbook.com -- the World's Biggest Yearbook!

DUH?!?!?!

To anyone who knows me this test is stating the obvious in about 100 ways.

Your Taste in Music:

80's R&B: Highest Influence80's Rock: High Influence90's Hip Hop: High InfluenceClassic Rock: High InfluenceOld School Hip Hop: High Influence

How's" Your Taste in Music?

I Continue to Be Fascinated by the Duggar Family

Have you ever seen this family? If you have, then you, like me have watched the approximately 5 specials that the Discovery Channel/ Discovery Health has shown about this family.

A little backstory for those of you who don't know. The Duggar family has 16 children. (The picture is from 2004 and missing 2 kids I think.) The family lives in Arkansas and basically since the age of 22 this woman has not stopped being pregnant.

So, why am I fascinated? Let me list the ways.

• The family is obviously religious (clothes, hair, location, 16 kids) but Discovery edits out almost anything that would even suggest they are religious. This is hilarious to me as the fact that most people can deduce they are religious by only looking at the surface.
• A woman who has been pregnant for almost 16 straight years is unfathomable to me. The pain, discomfort, and general hormonal changes mean that this woman has not had her period for almost 2 decades. Not a problem, but it doesn't seem normal. It also seems that you cannot ever feel normal. Just on a basic level, her vagina has to be blown out and able to use as a parachute.
• The amount of food, clothes, etc. that they buy is always staggering. And, again, Discovery is quick to keep out any information as to how they make a living. This makes a cynic like myself believe that they receive government subsidies. I think this would keep many people from finding the story heartwarming and so it is omitted.
• I'm a sucker for fundamentalist clothing. Prairie dresses, pleated khakis, long hair that is a pseudo mullet with odd feathering. (See photo above.)

I'm sure there are more things, but it all kind of becomes one big blur. I have seen all their shows and I watch them multiple times. I am fascinated and a little dumbfounded. I hope I grow tired of it. But, I probably won't.

I Hate to Say "I Told You So"

But, I told you so.

http://www.cnn.com/2006/LAW/08/28/ramsey.arrest/index.html

It's tough always being right.

A Message to Brooklyn Courtesy The Onion

When I moved into this neighborhood, I fell in love right away. Not with the actual neighborhood, but with its potential: It's affordable, there are nice row houses all around just waiting to be filled up by my friends, there's lot of open space to be exploited, and plenty of parking. Plus, this area has got a great authentic feel and, with a little work, it could be even more authentic. Perfect, right?
So why am I the only one doing anything about it?
I am always telling my other struggling artist, freelance graphic designer, and independent T-shirt-maker friends that this is the neighborhood to take it to. It's the next big thing. Sure, it's an hour from my day job and right next to a stinky canal and a power station, but that's the whole charm—it keeps the yuppies out.
It's frustrating, though. My friends insist they're happy where they are. But if they only saw the idealized neighborhood I see, where that rundown old health clinic is turned into a tattoo parlor, and that Last Supper mural is replaced with one featuring Radiohead or a stylized corporate octopus, they'd come around.
The problem is that the property owners here are clueless. They fill their yards with pavement and statues of the Virgin Mary, when all they have to do is clear that brush and we'd have a great beer garden or bocce court. They're spending all this money to renovate the old church, when it'd be put to better use split it up into condos. My landlord has no idea this apartment—hell, every apartment in this building—is undervalued. He could quadruple his profits by cutting my place in half. So I give him an extra 20 bucks a month hoping he gets the hint, but he just takes it out of the next month's rent.
Do any of these people appreciate what the neighborhood they're living in could be?
I'm trying to convince the owners of that taqueria on the corner to change their décor to incorporate some more of that funky Day Of The Dead motif I really like. But they insist on bland white walls. Ugh! I can barely pronounce the name, let alone enjoy its delicious, reasonably priced meals. Plus, you could take all the cool stuff from the five thrift stores and make one really great vintage shop. They'd make a fortune! And, you know, we would all have a fantastic view of downtown if only they'd tear down that dilapidated garage by the waterfront. Or, better yet, they could turn it into a restaurant with a roof deck. Can you say "brunch on the harbor"?
I can't be the only one who'd like to see a community garden and dog run around here, can I?
It sure would help attract people like me if there was a record store, too, and not the one with the giant Shakira cutout in the window. I mean a decent one. I went in to see if they had the new Fiery Furnaces, and they had never heard of it. They said they'd see if they could order it for me, but I declined. I mean, what's the point of supporting a local business if it's not cool?
It feels like I'm the only one trying to do any good around here.
When I first moved in, I loved the 50-cent coffees—it was like living in the '80s—but I wish they'd listen to me and start making lattes. I know I'd pay the extra three bucks, and I'm sure everyone else around here would, too.
I've tried being proactive. But none of the locals I've talked to about bringing in a co-op health-food grocery store have seemed excited at all. Nor have I gotten any of them to take part in my community open-house idea for hip young people to come see what this neighborhood is capable of. What did they do instead? They had a barbecue. With very loud music.
I mean, I don't want the people here to leave. I just want them to stay inside more. Especially if they're not going to do anything to bring this community to life. But they're always out on their stoops, just playing dominoes or talking. I like talking, but I do it inside, where it was meant to be done. It makes me uncomfortable to have people watching me all the time. Not that I think they'd do anything, but I just like to be a little more private.
Also, their dogs stay outside and bark all day. I like dogs just fine, but why can't their dogs be smaller and more nervous?
It's getting to the point where I feel like I'm tilting at windmills. But I can't give up—I know this neighborhood would benefit from the diversity of more people like me moving in. If you need a good place to live, come check out my 'hood. It's quirky, but it could use a few more creative types to get it jumping. But no developers—those guys just ruin it for the rest of us.

I Can't Believe I'm Writing This...

I am writing this with a sense of shame and sadness. Over a year ago, I decreed that the song "My Humps" was satanic. I used the term satanic because I had never heard a song so badly made with such dumb lyrics and amateur hour production. The song, needless to say, went all the way to number one. I still firmly believe that the hand of Satan made this possible.

So, why all the backstory? Because Fergie, the "female" singer of the Black Eyed Peas, has now come out with her solo joint. Besides the fact that her team was smart enough to name the album "The Dutchess" (wink, wink. get it?) they have created a song that is also even more influenced by Satan. The song is "London Bridge".

This song has an amazing beat. The lyrics are, shall we say, confusing and immature. There have been some bad euphemisms for sex. I'm looking at you Kelis and your milkshake, but we have come up for a new one that has officially blown my mind.

"Every time you come around/ my London, London Bridge wanna go down."

What?

I can't even begin to fathom what this is. But, I am pretty sure that whatever I think of could give me nightmares of the Lovercraft/Sutter Cane variety. Society might crumble because of this song. And, do you know why I feel this way? Because I love this song!

I can usually stay away from things like this. But, the beat is redrunkulous. And the lyrics are dumb, but easy to learn. It creates a song that never leaves your brain.

So, I apologize to all my fans and everyone who thought I had good taste. It's obvious I can be seduced to the dark side.

Get these motherf@$%ing snakes off my motherf@$%ing review!!!!

So it was inevitable. When the title of this movie was first leaked on the internet, I knew I would be there. The title was genius. So obvious, so specific, so perfect. Snakes on a Plane. What more could you ask?
After seeing the movie you knew this interaction could never happen.
"I would like my money back I was completely dissatisfied. I saw a movie that was filled with plot holes, bad acting, and general stupidity. It was called Snakes on a Plane and it was not to the quality I expect."
When you see a movie like this you know what to expect.
I knew what to expect.
The thing that sells the movie is the fact that it knows what it is. It never tries to be anything more than a fun frightfest. It reminded me more of the kinds of things Roger Corman used to make in the 1970's. It was closer to Pirahna than Jaws.
Many times movies try to be more than they are. This movie knew it was a B movie with a plot open for fun and gross-outs. It delivered like Dominoes. Many of the deaths were scary and many had the audience saying "aaahhhhh". Fantastic.
There are a few surprises as to who lived although all the deaths were telegraphed. The British jerk is marked from his first scene. But it's worth it because the death he causes and his own death are great. You laugh and are disgusted at the same time. That's the mark of quality in exploitation. A great thing about the movie was the high percentage of "that guys" who filled the screen. There were jokes that were intentional and unintentional and they even used the old spring loaded cat device. Luckily the film went for an R rating so we got some boobies, a snake attached to a penis, and many gory snake attacks leaving bloated, bloody, and severely damaged victims.
The plot doesn't really matter. But, I will say that the writing, directing, and acting were all better than they needed to be. I was surprised they went out and got some real actors and even some of the lesser characters did some real acting. The plot has a few holes, but honestly, no more than movies that purport to have bigger budgets, stars, and quality.
The biggest thing I missed was seeing this at a seedy Times Square theater. The audience I saw it with however, screamed, laughed, and applauded. They had a good time. I had a good time. I only wish it was the 70's so I could have seen this film with Frogs, Sssss, or Death Race 2000.
Come check out these motherf@$%ing snakes on the motherf@$%ing plane.

Movie Quiz Madness

Especially for Kelly, I tried to make this one especially hard!!!!!
Good luck to all!
Here are three songs and the artists who perform them. Guess the movie.

• The Man in Me (Bob Dylan)
• Hotel California (Los Lobos)
• Her Eyes are a Blue Million Miles (Captain Beefheart)

hahahahahahahahaha!!!!!
I hope to see plenty of guesses!

Rememberence of Therapy's Past

Tired of solipsistic blogs? Too bad. I am sorry that many of you didn't see my comedy husband Josh Homer. But, you will have to see him sometime. He is a great comic and you will want to say you knew him when.

Now, on to the show. Adam, as always, was hilarious and a great host. He is a pro at it and I can't wait for his show at Caroline's. It should be awesome.

The weirdest thing about the show was everyone talking to each other like blind dates. "Hey I've seen your picture. Aren't you...I really like your blog." It was some wild, weird stuff. But, putting voices, personalities, and comedy to the names was amazing. There are many times I do not feel like a comic. Last night, I felt like a comic. I talked about jokes, rooms, the state of comedy. It was great.

Now, on to my set. I don't really brag that much about my sets. I don't talk about my shows because I am not comfortable with it. I also think that many times people are deluded about how well or badly they did. But, I just want to say that last night was one of the best sets I've ever had. The jokes hit and after the show many of my people, the gays, came up and gave me love. I got such a warm fuzzy. Also, Robin Fox gassed me up after my set so I was walking on air.

For anyone who has never seen me, I'll just quote Jeanne Noll. "I've only seen your picture. I never thought your comedy would be like that."

It was a great night. Laughs, tears, comedy. It was everything I look for in a show. And, I got to see some amazing comics. Here in NYC, we might all be struggling, but it is not for lack of talent. I was so proud.

But, enough about me. What do you think of me?

Celebrity Sufferers of Exhaustion...Unite!!!!

You can now add yours truly to this list of heavyweights. I just got back from a medical appointment. I am officially suffering from exhaustion related to my lyme disease.
To wit:
For the past week I have had a lot of pain on my right side. For those of you who do not remember all of your Amy lore, at age fifteen I had shingles and they were on my right side. Now, a little medical information. Shingles is the provence of the extreme aged, unless your name is Amy Patrick.
So, I was a little nervous. I decided to get a check up. My doctor ran a battery of tests, asked questions, and did some more tests. Thankfully, I do not have palsy!!!! That is common with lyme sufferers. I have had lyme for almost six years and this is the first big flair up with it.
I have been ordered to spend the next week taking it easy, taking medicine, and continue with my diet and exercise. So, along with my other celebrity brethren, I am officially suffering from exhaustion.

The Movie Quiz Strikes Again!!!!!

Another movie quiz to tide you over...

What movie featured these three songs:

• I'm Your Boogie Man- KC and the Sunshine Band
  
• Hang on Sloopy- The McCoy's
  
• Dream Weaver- Gary Wright

Also, if you have this Sunday free, come see me at Therapy (http://www.therapy-nyc.com/).