Dead Joke Pile

So, when I was still writing jokes and grinding out on the scene, I tried to keep my act fresh. What this means is besides war horse jokes that do not reference specific pop culture and political things, you add in topical stuff. It shows that you keep writing and have space in your act for new things.

That being said...

These kind of jokes also die. War horse jokes stand the test of time, audience, and style. You can use them anytime and are usually the jokes you use for auditions and big shows. These other jokes you use for a short time and then they die.

I wanted to write down, for posterity, two jokes I wrote and really love, but have already expired.

Please do enjoy.

"So, Alicia Keys has a song called 'Unbreakable' and it is all about love. But, one thing threw me off. She says we can fight it out like Ike and Tina. Um, what? I have fought many times with my husband, but I have never been hit with a purple snakeskin boot while trying to record 'Nutbush City Limits'."

"I hope they make a movie of the transit strike if only because Forest Whitaker would nail the role of Roger Toussaint."

See, am I right? Am I right?

Cinnabon Cinnamon

So, I bought this cinnamon bread for breakfast. It is quite tasty with coffee and a little butter.

But, here is the thing to me. They advertise the bread as "made from Cinnabon" cinnamon. So? Who buys a Cinnabon roll for the cinnamon?

"Could I get one of your decadent rolls? But, please, for God's sake DO NOT put any of that buttercream on it. It distracts from the scumptious cinnamon."

Please...

Get Ready for an Even More Ridiculous Blog!!!!

So, if all goes according to plan, I will have this blog outfitted with Twitter. That way, instead of windy, self-important blogs, you will glory in my short self-important musings.
Aren't you just thrilled.

Revenge of the Blerds

Blerd is a noun. It is a combinaiton of the words Black and Nerd. With a Blerd-in-Chief just put into office I wanted to use this time to spotlight a few blerds out there in other fields. If you know anymore, please feel free to send in suggestions.

Before the list, what makes a blerd? Blerds are a little wonky and techy. They usually work behind the scenes. Some of them can go from blerds to just straight up cool kids. This happens a lot in the music industry. But, they are marked by eccentricities. Most have interests that are not stereotypical and can confound the masses. But, much like all their nerd bretheren, they find joy in things that might not always be popular.

In my list, I am dealing with only living blerds. Trust me, this list could be full without ever leaving the 1920's. Please do enjoy.

MUSIC:
Missy Elliot
Kanye West
The Roots
Cody Chestnutt
Pharrell
Timbaland (pre-weightlifting)

FILM/THEATER/TV:
Spike Lee
Larry Widmore
Chris Rock
Darnell Martin
Stew
Suzan-Lori Parks
Don Cheadle
George C. Wolfe

SPORTS:
Larry Fitzgerald
LeBron James
Marcellus Wiley (aka Dat Dude)
Mike Singletery
Venus Williams
Cheryl Miller

POLITICS:
Gene Robinson
Cory Booker
Dominic Carter (host of NY1 "Inside City Hall")
Amiri Baraka
Carl McCall
Maxine Waters
Cornell West

LITERATURE:
Rebecca Walker
Colson Whitehead
Ta-Nehisi Coates
Keith Knight
Kyle Baker

Merry Christmas from Amy and Sadie

So, I am starting my annual tradition of my favorite holiday videos. Have a great Christmas, Hannukah, Kwaanza, or just a nice winter!

Got My Holiday Spirit!

So, I watched a show last night called "The Secret Millionaire". It got very dusty in our house at the end of the show. In it, a millionaire lives in a depressed area and interacts with people. At the end of 2 weeks they come back and give people and their charities anywhere from $100,000 and up to people they want to.

Good works are praised and the rich people are giving their own money. It does my heart good to see things like that. I hope that all of us can have some generosity in our hearts during the holidays. Donating time, leaving extra tips, and helping people out matter as much as money.

If you want more information, go to the website below.

http://www.fox.com/secretmillionaire

Thank you Barack Obama

Now, Marty McFly never has to tell Mayor Goldie Wilson he can be mayor. He'll believe it on his own.

VOTE

VOTE!!!!!VOTE!!!!!VOTE!!!!!VOTE!!!!!

We can change the world today.

When I Grow Up...

I want to be Thornton Melon when I grow up.



Seriously, who doesn't.

My Oral Surgery

This video is a re-enactment of my recent tooth extraction. Jude Law is playing the role of Amy Patrick in this scene.
I am finally losing the pizza burn sensation and stitches.
Hopefully, I will have an actual tooth and not an Amy Winehouse gaping mouth hole by the end of this month.

My Brain Hurts

I just watched a movie where Alan Payne played a Puerto Rican and Renee Zellweger played a Hasidic Jew.

I need to go lie down.

Best Way to Describe the Whole Thing

I used to get so worked up by Elisabeth Hassleback on "The View" that I wrote an angry letter. Now, she just makes me laugh. I think E! online did the best job summarizing her drama with the N word. I don't mean to rain on her parade but her party might have been Lincoln's at one time, but Nixon employed the Southern strategy to make sure that blue collar and southern whites voted against their best interests by using racism.
But, that is not the point.
The point is, Elisabeth is a naive dolt who needs to learn about the world around her. How she lives every day in NYC, I'll never know.

Per E! Online:
"Today in Viewland, what started out as a discussion over the hypocrisy of Rev. Jesse Jackson using the N-word on Fox News in an off-air comment quickly turned into a heated discussion between Elisabeth Hasselbeck and herself.
Elisabeth doesn’t believe anybody, regardless of race, should ever use the N-word, because she’s seen the movie Crash. Sherri Shepherd and Whoopi both try to explain their perspectives, but they can't get a word in because Elisabeth has worked herself up so much, she's crying by the end.
And that, dear readers, is why Crash beat out Brokeback Mountain for the Best Picture Oscar."

PS- Even Barabra told her she was only talking and not listening!

My Weird Crush

Anyone who knows me knows that I have two types of guys I am attracted to. There are tall, athletic type guys with race unimportant. I like a taller thin guy. (David Bowie, Alonzo Mourning, Ed Norton)
I also have a weird obsession with short dudes with dark hair that I am always crushing on. (Freddy Rodriguez, Hal Sparks, Adam Levine)
But, I now have a new crush. Rachel Maddow of Air America who is a frequent guest and guest host on Countdown with Keith Olbermann. She is really funny and smart and has that cute dykey look that not many people can pull off.
So, this post is for you Rachel.

What do these people have in common?







Only my love for all of them.

A Long Time...

It's been a long time since I did any kind of real blogging. I used to write about music, movies, books, TV, sports. Whatever.
But...
I had a baby.
Lately my time has been all mommy all the time. But, I want to start writing more. I will be writing more starting tomorrow.
Hope you enjoy it.

Walking on the Lower East Side...

I saw a sign that said this...
"Plus Size Skinny Jeans"

Nothing else necessary!

20th Anniversaries Make Me Feel Old

Since this weekend, MTV and MTV2 have been commemorating the 20th Anniversary of Yo! MTV Raps. This has me feeling just a bit old. "Why Amy?" you might ask. I'll tell you why my dear readers. I feel old because I remember when Yo! MTV Raps first came on TV.

I was 12 years old and in 8th grade. I was introduced to rap by several cousins. At that time, it was popular in big cities but was just making inroads into suburban and rural areas. In my town, there were only a few rap fans. Most people like top 40 or country music. My tastes made me a bit of an outcast. My best friend, Eroica, and myself would try to be home at 3pm ahrsp to watch Yo! MTV Raps. You would see videos that were not on all day.

Now, things have changed. MTV rarely shows videos and MTV2 has enough rap to make anyone know a few songs. But, one thing has kind of changed that I find completely ridiculous.

(tangent below)
Before I go on, let me start this by saying, I am a 32 year-old white mother of an infant. I went to college and got a master's degree. I am stating all this because I don't want what I say to be dismissed.
I AM TIRED OF EVERY WORD BEING CENSORED IN A RAP VIDEO!!!!!

Ok, curses not allowed by the FCC and the N-word are understandable. But, currently any words related to drugs, robbing, or murder are beeped. You can't say "gat" in any context, "ho" in any context. or any words that might be related to the topics. Never mind the words are being use in a metaphorical way. There is no way you will hear it.

Why does this bother me?

Because, currently MTV rides on the backs of rap. When it was a niche market they should most videos (excluding things like By the Time I get to Arizona by PE) with only the most extreme curses bleeped. Now, it's everything. What happened? Did the amount of white faces ingesting the videos mean things had to change. If anyone out there knows, please write your girl.
(end of tangent)

But, all week MTV2 celebrated the anniversary of Yo! MTV Raps. I sat and watched many of the specials and watched a huge amount of old school videos. The whole thing left me both happy and sad. The memories it brought up made me smile and think about the time I spent with these artists and their work.

But, I also realized that I am now an old person. 20 year anniversaries are happening for things I remember...well.

My Favorite NY Places

Part One:
The Fulton Mall
Brooklyn, NY

I have decided to write an on-going series of pieces about some of my favorite places in NY. I want to cover the boroughs I enjoy and the things I like to do in these places. I wanted to start with a place near my house that doesn't get a lot of love, the Fulton Mall.

The Fulton Mall is not pretty. In fact, it is pretty ugly. Every awning has, like, fifteen qualifiers (ex. Pagers, Sneakers, Leather, DVD) and none of the stores are exactly neat and organized. And that is why I love them. On both sides of the mall, gentrification has hit hard. Brooklyn Heights and the Promenade surround the enterance of the mall. BAM, Mark Morris, and the Atlantic Center loom at the end of the mall. No matter what happens on either side of the mall, the mall stays the same.

The charm of the mall is the fact that it seems preserved in amber. The stores remind you that NY used to have a hip-hop beating heart. The stores might as well all be named "B-Boy Megamart". The stores feature CD's, bootleg DVD's, electronics, cell phones, and all the trappings of "urban" culture. But, some of the trappings are whimsical. The dearth of airbrushing spots makes one wonder when you stepped into Myrtle Beach. There are several shops that anchor the mall like Duane Reade and Cookies. But, what makes the mall run is the small shops providing a variety of goods and services.

Unfortunately not everything in the mall can stay the same. Beat Street Records has closed and now you have to hit web sites and few small places in the city for vinyl. However, the store lives on forever in Jay-Z's video for "99 Problems".

The mall seems to stay the same. When the weather is good the crowds surge. The street vendors are on every square inch of pavement (look for the guy selling Evisu, True Religion, and other high end jeans). It can smell a little weird. I wouldn't have it any other way.

Holy S@!T!!!!

Go read this blog. I almost wet my pants!!!!

http://stuffwhitepeoplelike.wordpress.com

TV on DVD

There's a bit that Jim Gaffigan does about watching a movie ten years after it came out. You see it on cable and then want to talk about it. But, noone wants to talk to you about it because they saw it TEN YEARS AGO!!!!

Where am I going with this? I am recommending both "The Wire" and "Battlestar Galactica" to watch on DVD. I think that both of these shows benefit from watching in a chunk and really enveloping yourself in the experience. Both shows have small episode-centric plots along with expansive overarching stories. They develop their characters and engage you in ethical debates along with nerdy water-cooler talk. Both shows have an Altmanesque and Dickensian sensibility.

The first four seasons of "The Wire" are on DVD and the final season will be out soon. "Battlestar Galactica" has the mini-series, first 3 seasons, and the "Razor" prequel. The final season of BSG starts this Friday. Both shows are amazing and feature some of the best writing on TV.

Good writing leads me to my next tangent. My husband and I watched "Michael Clayton" on DVD. It was a tightly directed and written movie. My husband was like, "Why did I like that movie so much?" I basically stated in this day and age very few scripts and films last as long as they need too. Many are too long. Roger Ebert has a theory that states: all good movies can last four hours and you will not feel it, a bad movie can last one hour and you will check your watch. I cannot state how much I believe this. Any good experience in entertainment can last as long as it needs to.

It's a shame that a competent piece of filmmaking can get you that excited. But, as long as Michael Bay keeps making "awesome" movies and shows like "Rock of Love 2" get greenlit, gems like "Michael Clayton", BSG, and "The Wire" will get gobbled up by hungry viewers.

All of this comes down to demographics. White men aged 18-35 consume the most entertainment. So, until the rest of us ask for more, we aren't going to get it.

Getting Shots

So, today was Sadie's first round of vaccinations. She got four shots and an oral vaccine. She cried and got so upset she pooped her pants. But, her pain was over almost immediately and she has been eating and sleeping pretty much non-stop since she got home. The doctor was great. She had me hold Sadie's hand and focus her on me while she did it from the side silently and didn't do a lot of build up.

It was a tough decision to make. I have read many things about vaccines, autism, and the like. There is no definative answers and it is still being decided. There are 2 things that are not disputed. Mercury has not been in vaccines since 2001 and boys are more affected than girls. If I had a son, I will be honest, it would be a tougher decision for me.

I also feel that maybe increased sensativity to autism (spectrum disorder) has made parents and the general public see more cases and that it is just coincidence. But, I don't really know.

Needless to say, the 1st round is over. Sadie survivied. I survived. It will get easier.

Just like parenting.