Mr. Plow

Hanover Place Daycare Fundraiser

2009-09-24T11:17:00.003-04:00

http://www.bafny.com

Please go here and buy some product. It would really help Sadie's school.

Must have been the liberal police...

2009-09-22T18:36:00.001-04:00

A little more information on that ACORN story...

http://hosted.ap.org/dynamic/stories/U/US_ACORN_HIDDEN_CAMERA?SITE=FLSTU&SECTION=HOME&TEMPLATE=DEFAULT

Why American Idol is an Imperfect Judge (but can be right as well)

2009-08-24T10:17:00.003-04:00

So, not the most interesting topic, I know. But, I was thinking about this the other day. There are at least 10 top selling artists of both genders that I know would never make it to L.A. on American Idol. And, the fact that these artists have sold millions of albums along with critical acclaim should be enough to put the nail in the coffin. But, there are also interesting and talented singers who could win American Idol. So, who knows, maybe this whole exercise is futile. But, it sure is fun.

So, please do enjoy...

Top 5 Male Artists Who Would Never Win American Idol
1. Bob Dylan
2. James Brown
3. Tom Petty
4. Freddie Mercury
5. David Bowie

Top 5 Male Artists Who Could Totally Win American Idol
1. Donny Hathaway
2. Adam Levine (Maroon 5)
3. Luther Vandross
4. James Taylor
5. George Michael

Top 5 Female Artists Who Would Never Win American Idol
1. Janis Joplin
2. Aretha Franklin (a little pitchy dawg...)
3. Emmylou Harris
4. Macy Gray
5. Ronnie Spector

Top 5 Female Artists Who Could Totally Win American Idol
1. Bette Midler
2. Mama Cass Elliot
3. Mary J. Blige
4. Whitney Houston
5. Linda Ronstadt

Anymore YOU would add to the list?

My Top 5 Favorite Movie Genres

2009-07-07T12:59:00.007-04:00

Anyone who knows me, knows I love movies. To me, film is the most integrated are form. The use of a score, popular music, lighting, editing, acting, writing, locations, and the use of close-up, split screen, and other cinematic trickery make film an immersive experience. A good film can transport you to wherever it is. No matter if that place is real or not.

With that said, I think I have 5 genres that pretty much always get me and capture my attention. Most people, when they see one of these movies advertised, will call it an "Amy Patrick Special". But, I think each of these genres usually yields interesting fruit.

Please read and add your own genres and some recommendations. I'm always looking for something interesting to watch.

Top 5 Genres:
The Roman a Clef- Nashville, Velvet Goldmine, Sunset Boulevard, Mommy Dearest, Boogie Nights, The Player, Almost Famous

The Con Game/Heist Movie- Oceans 11, 12, and 13, The Brothers Bloom, Heist, Hard 8, The Color of Money, The Spanish Prisoner, The Grifters

The Whimsical/Twee Comedy- Harold and Maude, Rushmore, Amelie, Punch Drunk Love, Putney Swope

Man Vs. Nature (or himself)- Aguirre Wrath of God, Grizzly Man, The New World, Apocalypto, Into the Wild, Predator I and II

The Gritty Sci-Fi- Solaris, Alien series, 2001: A Space Odessey, A Boy and his Dog, Sunshine

Telling my Daughter About Michael Jackson

2009-06-26T12:58:00.003-04:00

Freak. Genius. Molester. Artist. King of Pop. All of these descriptions and more hang on Michael Jackson. He was a human being with MANY problems and amazing talent. He became a plastic surgery nightmare and living freak show. He was broke, frail,a nd troubled in his last days. But, in the end, none of this is what I have to tell my daughter. And for that, I am happy that Michael Jackson died before she was a teenager.

I know that sounds harsh, but hear me out. When I was growing up and old enough to appreciate the music, Elvis had already been dead for a while. Because of that, I could listen to the music with no taint. I didn't have the image many did of a fat, drugged out man shooting TV's and dying on the toilet. I only heard his music. I had the same experiences with Billie Holiday, Charlie Parker, Chet Baker, Janis Joplin, Mama Cass, Jimi Hendrix, Marvin Gaye, Sam Cooke, and many more I'm sure I'm forgetting. When I was young I got to hear these artists just for their music. Only later as I became a budding music snob and read biographies and articles did I find out the more sordid details of their lives. By that time, it didn't matter. I already loved their music and their "history" became something to know, but not judge.

And now, because of his death, I can do the same thing to Michael Jackson. I can play Sadie his music and can talk about what matters.
*He was one of the first artists to use "white" artists to help his music crossover (Eddie Van Halen on "Billie Jean", Paul McCartney).
*His production changed with the times and always used the most advanced technology for a complete sonic experience.
*He wrote or co-wrote many of his songs and worked on the musicality.
*As a member of The Jackson 5 he was part of a band that was the template for most boy bands from the 1980's until today.
*He sold millions of albums crossing all demographics.
*His dancing was praised by people like Bob Fosse and Gene Kelly.
*He made music videos a viable commodity and was the 1st black artist on MTV.

The man made great music. I get to let my daughter hear that music. She can do the research on the "real" Michael Jackson when she gets older.

Dream Projects: 1st in a Series

2009-05-02T21:27:00.002-04:00

So, I always read or see things that I think would make great movies. I have decided to write about several ideas and projects I would love to do.
I am going to start with my film adaptation of the book "Fortress of Solitude". I have linked to the Wikipedia entry so you can read about the plot. You will see my cast list, DP, editor, and several songs I think should be used along with the composer.
Please do enjoy...

Fortress of Solitude (adapted by Amy Patrick from the book by Jonathan Lethem)

Directed by Amy Patrick
Director of Photography Matthew Libatique
Edited by Sally Menke
Score by Clint Mansell

Cast: main cast listed only
Dylan Edbus- unknown teen actor, Ben Shenkman
Mingus Rude- unknown teen actor, Michael Ealy
Abraham Ebdus- Bobby Cannavale
Barrett Rude, Jr.- Idris Elba
Arthur Lomb- unknown teen actor, Anson Mount
Robert Woolfolk- unknown teen actor, Tyrese Gibson
Rachel Ebdus- Julianne Moore
Doily (homeless man with ring)- Amiri Baraka

Selected Soundtrack:
Rapper's Delight (Sugarhill Gang)
Loose Booty (Sly and the Family Stone)
Anti-Love Song (Betty Davis)
Am I Black Enough For You? (Billy Paul)
Boys Don't Cry (The Cure)
Waiting for the Man (Velvet Underground)
Mannish Boy (Muddy Waters)
Evil (Howlin' Wolf)
Bitch (Rolling Stones)
Ball of Confusion (Temptations)
Tonight I'll be Staying Here with You (Bob Dylan)
Set it Off (Big Daddy Kane)
Buddy (De La Soul)
The Payoff Mix (Steinski)
Mind Playin' Tricks on Me (Geto Boys)
Nutbush City Limits (Ike and Tina Turner)
Whipping Post (Allman Brothers)
God's Gonna Cut You Down (Odetta)
And many more...

I can only hope Mr. Lethem could read this. I really love this book and could really do it justice.

Dead Joke Pile

2009-03-16T08:40:00.003-04:00

So, when I was still writing jokes and grinding out on the scene, I tried to keep my act fresh. What this means is besides war horse jokes that do not reference specific pop culture and political things, you add in topical stuff. It shows that you keep writing and have space in your act for new things.

That being said...

These kind of jokes also die. War horse jokes stand the test of time, audience, and style. You can use them anytime and are usually the jokes you use for auditions and big shows. These other jokes you use for a short time and then they die.

I wanted to write down, for posterity, two jokes I wrote and really love, but have already expired.

Please do enjoy.

"So, Alicia Keys has a song called 'Unbreakable' and it is all about love. But, one thing threw me off. She says we can fight it out like Ike and Tina. Um, what? I have fought many times with my husband, but I have never been hit with a purple snakeskin boot while trying to record 'Nutbush City Limits'."

"I hope they make a movie of the transit strike if only because Forest Whitaker would nail the role of Roger Toussaint."

See, am I right? Am I right?

Cinnabon Cinnamon

2009-03-13T08:40:00.002-04:00

So, I bought this cinnamon bread for breakfast. It is quite tasty with coffee and a little butter.

But, here is the thing to me. They advertise the bread as "made from Cinnabon" cinnamon. So? Who buys a Cinnabon roll for the cinnamon?

"Could I get one of your decadent rolls? But, please, for God's sake DO NOT put any of that buttercream on it. It distracts from the scumptious cinnamon."

Please...

Get Ready for an Even More Ridiculous Blog!!!!

2009-02-19T23:16:00.001-05:00

So, if all goes according to plan, I will have this blog outfitted with Twitter. That way, instead of windy, self-important blogs, you will glory in my short self-important musings.
Aren't you just thrilled.

Revenge of the Blerds

2009-01-20T19:56:00.002-05:00

Blerd is a noun. It is a combinaiton of the words Black and Nerd. With a Blerd-in-Chief just put into office I wanted to use this time to spotlight a few blerds out there in other fields. If you know anymore, please feel free to send in suggestions.

Before the list, what makes a blerd? Blerds are a little wonky and techy. They usually work behind the scenes. Some of them can go from blerds to just straight up cool kids. This happens a lot in the music industry. But, they are marked by eccentricities. Most have interests that are not stereotypical and can confound the masses. But, much like all their nerd bretheren, they find joy in things that might not always be popular.

In my list, I am dealing with only living blerds. Trust me, this list could be full without ever leaving the 1920's. Please do enjoy.

MUSIC:
Missy Elliot
Kanye West
The Roots
Cody Chestnutt
Pharrell
Timbaland (pre-weightlifting)

FILM/THEATER/TV:
Spike Lee
Larry Widmore
Chris Rock
Darnell Martin
Stew
Suzan-Lori Parks
Don Cheadle
George C. Wolfe

SPORTS:
Larry Fitzgerald
LeBron James
Marcellus Wiley (aka Dat Dude)
Mike Singletery
Venus Williams
Cheryl Miller

POLITICS:
Gene Robinson
Cory Booker
Dominic Carter (host of NY1 "Inside City Hall")
Amiri Baraka
Carl McCall
Maxine Waters
Cornell West

LITERATURE:
Rebecca Walker
Colson Whitehead
Ta-Nehisi Coates
Keith Knight
Kyle Baker

Merry Christmas from Amy and Sadie

2008-12-15T09:59:00.001-05:00

So, I am starting my annual tradition of my favorite holiday videos. Have a great Christmas, Hannukah, Kwaanza, or just a nice winter!

Got My Holiday Spirit!

2008-12-11T14:48:00.002-05:00

So, I watched a show last night called "The Secret Millionaire". It got very dusty in our house at the end of the show. In it, a millionaire lives in a depressed area and interacts with people. At the end of 2 weeks they come back and give people and their charities anywhere from $100,000 and up to people they want to.

Good works are praised and the rich people are giving their own money. It does my heart good to see things like that. I hope that all of us can have some generosity in our hearts during the holidays. Donating time, leaving extra tips, and helping people out matter as much as money.

If you want more information, go to the website below.

http://www.fox.com/secretmillionaire

Thank you Barack Obama

2008-11-05T15:29:00.003-05:00

Now, Marty McFly never has to tell Mayor Goldie Wilson he can be mayor. He'll believe it on his own.

VOTE

2008-11-04T09:03:00.001-05:00

VOTE!!!!!VOTE!!!!!VOTE!!!!!VOTE!!!!!

We can change the world today.

When I Grow Up...

2008-09-30T15:41:00.003-04:00

I want to be Thornton Melon when I grow up.

Seriously, who doesn't.

My Oral Surgery

2008-09-15T20:04:00.002-04:00

This video is a re-enactment of my recent tooth extraction. Jude Law is playing the role of Amy Patrick in this scene.
I am finally losing the pizza burn sensation and stitches.
Hopefully, I will have an actual tooth and not an Amy Winehouse gaping mouth hole by the end of this month.

My Brain Hurts

2008-07-22T16:44:00.001-04:00

I just watched a movie where Alan Payne played a Puerto Rican and Renee Zellweger played a Hasidic Jew.

I need to go lie down.

Best Way to Describe the Whole Thing

2008-07-18T14:22:00.002-04:00

I used to get so worked up by Elisabeth Hassleback on "The View" that I wrote an angry letter. Now, she just makes me laugh. I think E! online did the best job summarizing her drama with the N word. I don't mean to rain on her parade but her party might have been Lincoln's at one time, but Nixon employed the Southern strategy to make sure that blue collar and southern whites voted against their best interests by using racism.
But, that is not the point.
The point is, Elisabeth is a naive dolt who needs to learn about the world around her. How she lives every day in NYC, I'll never know.

Per E! Online:
"Today in Viewland, what started out as a discussion over the hypocrisy of Rev. Jesse Jackson using the N-word on Fox News in an off-air comment quickly turned into a heated discussion between Elisabeth Hasselbeck and herself.
Elisabeth doesn’t believe anybody, regardless of race, should ever use the N-word, because she’s seen the movie Crash. Sherri Shepherd and Whoopi both try to explain their perspectives, but they can't get a word in because Elisabeth has worked herself up so much, she's crying by the end.
And that, dear readers, is why Crash beat out Brokeback Mountain for the Best Picture Oscar."

PS- Even Barabra told her she was only talking and not listening!

My Weird Crush

2008-07-17T14:56:00.002-04:00

Anyone who knows me knows that I have two types of guys I am attracted to. There are tall, athletic type guys with race unimportant. I like a taller thin guy. (David Bowie, Alonzo Mourning, Ed Norton)
I also have a weird obsession with short dudes with dark hair that I am always crushing on. (Freddy Rodriguez, Hal Sparks, Adam Levine)
But, I now have a new crush. Rachel Maddow of Air America who is a frequent guest and guest host on Countdown with Keith Olbermann. She is really funny and smart and has that cute dykey look that not many people can pull off.
So, this post is for you Rachel.

What do these people have in common?

Only my love for all of them.

A Long Time...

2008-07-16T20:21:00.000-04:00

It's been a long time since I did any kind of real blogging. I used to write about music, movies, books, TV, sports. Whatever.
But...
I had a baby.
Lately my time has been all mommy all the time. But, I want to start writing more. I will be writing more starting tomorrow.
Hope you enjoy it.

Walking on the Lower East Side...

2008-06-06T09:51:00.001-04:00

I saw a sign that said this...
"Plus Size Skinny Jeans"

Nothing else necessary!

20th Anniversaries Make Me Feel Old

2008-04-14T08:24:00.003-04:00

Since this weekend, MTV and MTV2 have been commemorating the 20th Anniversary of Yo! MTV Raps. This has me feeling just a bit old. "Why Amy?" you might ask. I'll tell you why my dear readers. I feel old because I remember when Yo! MTV Raps first came on TV.

I was 12 years old and in 8th grade. I was introduced to rap by several cousins. At that time, it was popular in big cities but was just making inroads into suburban and rural areas. In my town, there were only a few rap fans. Most people like top 40 or country music. My tastes made me a bit of an outcast. My best friend, Eroica, and myself would try to be home at 3pm ahrsp to watch Yo! MTV Raps. You would see videos that were not on all day.

Now, things have changed. MTV rarely shows videos and MTV2 has enough rap to make anyone know a few songs. But, one thing has kind of changed that I find completely ridiculous.

(tangent below)
Before I go on, let me start this by saying, I am a 32 year-old white mother of an infant. I went to college and got a master's degree. I am stating all this because I don't want what I say to be dismissed.
I AM TIRED OF EVERY WORD BEING CENSORED IN A RAP VIDEO!!!!!

Ok, curses not allowed by the FCC and the N-word are understandable. But, currently any words related to drugs, robbing, or murder are beeped. You can't say "gat" in any context, "ho" in any context. or any words that might be related to the topics. Never mind the words are being use in a metaphorical way. There is no way you will hear it.

Why does this bother me?

Because, currently MTV rides on the backs of rap. When it was a niche market they should most videos (excluding things like By the Time I get to Arizona by PE) with only the most extreme curses bleeped. Now, it's everything. What happened? Did the amount of white faces ingesting the videos mean things had to change. If anyone out there knows, please write your girl.
(end of tangent)

But, all week MTV2 celebrated the anniversary of Yo! MTV Raps. I sat and watched many of the specials and watched a huge amount of old school videos. The whole thing left me both happy and sad. The memories it brought up made me smile and think about the time I spent with these artists and their work.

But, I also realized that I am now an old person. 20 year anniversaries are happening for things I remember...well.

My Favorite NY Places

2008-04-11T14:09:00.003-04:00

Part One:
The Fulton Mall
Brooklyn, NY

I have decided to write an on-going series of pieces about some of my favorite places in NY. I want to cover the boroughs I enjoy and the things I like to do in these places. I wanted to start with a place near my house that doesn't get a lot of love, the Fulton Mall.

The Fulton Mall is not pretty. In fact, it is pretty ugly. Every awning has, like, fifteen qualifiers (ex. Pagers, Sneakers, Leather, DVD) and none of the stores are exactly neat and organized. And that is why I love them. On both sides of the mall, gentrification has hit hard. Brooklyn Heights and the Promenade surround the enterance of the mall. BAM, Mark Morris, and the Atlantic Center loom at the end of the mall. No matter what happens on either side of the mall, the mall stays the same.

The charm of the mall is the fact that it seems preserved in amber. The stores remind you that NY used to have a hip-hop beating heart. The stores might as well all be named "B-Boy Megamart". The stores feature CD's, bootleg DVD's, electronics, cell phones, and all the trappings of "urban" culture. But, some of the trappings are whimsical. The dearth of airbrushing spots makes one wonder when you stepped into Myrtle Beach. There are several shops that anchor the mall like Duane Reade and Cookies. But, what makes the mall run is the small shops providing a variety of goods and services.

Unfortunately not everything in the mall can stay the same. Beat Street Records has closed and now you have to hit web sites and few small places in the city for vinyl. However, the store lives on forever in Jay-Z's video for "99 Problems".

The mall seems to stay the same. When the weather is good the crowds surge. The street vendors are on every square inch of pavement (look for the guy selling Evisu, True Religion, and other high end jeans). It can smell a little weird. I wouldn't have it any other way.

Holy S@!T!!!!

2008-04-01T13:23:00.000-04:00

Go read this blog. I almost wet my pants!!!!

http://stuffwhitepeoplelike.wordpress.com

TV on DVD

2008-04-01T12:05:00.002-04:00

There's a bit that Jim Gaffigan does about watching a movie ten years after it came out. You see it on cable and then want to talk about it. But, noone wants to talk to you about it because they saw it TEN YEARS AGO!!!!

Where am I going with this? I am recommending both "The Wire" and "Battlestar Galactica" to watch on DVD. I think that both of these shows benefit from watching in a chunk and really enveloping yourself in the experience. Both shows have small episode-centric plots along with expansive overarching stories. They develop their characters and engage you in ethical debates along with nerdy water-cooler talk. Both shows have an Altmanesque and Dickensian sensibility.

The first four seasons of "The Wire" are on DVD and the final season will be out soon. "Battlestar Galactica" has the mini-series, first 3 seasons, and the "Razor" prequel. The final season of BSG starts this Friday. Both shows are amazing and feature some of the best writing on TV.

Good writing leads me to my next tangent. My husband and I watched "Michael Clayton" on DVD. It was a tightly directed and written movie. My husband was like, "Why did I like that movie so much?" I basically stated in this day and age very few scripts and films last as long as they need too. Many are too long. Roger Ebert has a theory that states: all good movies can last four hours and you will not feel it, a bad movie can last one hour and you will check your watch. I cannot state how much I believe this. Any good experience in entertainment can last as long as it needs to.

It's a shame that a competent piece of filmmaking can get you that excited. But, as long as Michael Bay keeps making "awesome" movies and shows like "Rock of Love 2" get greenlit, gems like "Michael Clayton", BSG, and "The Wire" will get gobbled up by hungry viewers.

All of this comes down to demographics. White men aged 18-35 consume the most entertainment. So, until the rest of us ask for more, we aren't going to get it.

Getting Shots

2008-03-17T14:38:00.001-04:00

So, today was Sadie's first round of vaccinations. She got four shots and an oral vaccine. She cried and got so upset she pooped her pants. But, her pain was over almost immediately and she has been eating and sleeping pretty much non-stop since she got home. The doctor was great. She had me hold Sadie's hand and focus her on me while she did it from the side silently and didn't do a lot of build up.

It was a tough decision to make. I have read many things about vaccines, autism, and the like. There is no definative answers and it is still being decided. There are 2 things that are not disputed. Mercury has not been in vaccines since 2001 and boys are more affected than girls. If I had a son, I will be honest, it would be a tougher decision for me.

I also feel that maybe increased sensativity to autism (spectrum disorder) has made parents and the general public see more cases and that it is just coincidence. But, I don't really know.

Needless to say, the 1st round is over. Sadie survivied. I survived. It will get easier.

Just like parenting.

I'm Toxic!

2008-03-15T05:51:00.002-04:00

Joe convinced me to order Kinoki Foot Pads. He is a sucker for anything vaugly Asian and holisitic seeming. I'm pretty sure he was some kind of Japanese peasant in a former life. I digress. So, the whole thing with these pads is that you place them on alternating feet every night. Slowly the pads get less gross because your toxins have been leached out of your feet.

Much of this seems like Eastern philosophy hokum. It also plays into the whole idea of bodily humors. I'm pretty sure that idea went out of style after the Restoration.

And yet, I am using them for the past few days. I was hoping to see what would happen. And guess what? After two days my bodily humors are still full of crap. I am still pulling off pitch black foot pads. I have to say, I'm a little nervous. What if I have to use foot pads for the next ten years. Will they ever clear up? I'm starting to worry.

So, I know they are nothing but a scam and yet I am drawn in. What is it that makes rational humans believe nonsense and pseudo science? I don't think I'll ever know.

But, should my feet finally get clean, I will let you know.

Guess Who's Back?

2008-02-21T09:36:00.006-05:00

So, I've finally gotten back to as close to normal as I think I'm ever going to get. I have been adjusting to motherhood and still trying to be borderline creative. So, I finally had a big gripe and I needed to discuss it.
But, before we get to that, I wanted to let my tens of readers know that I have created a blog called http://sadiequinn.blogspot.com. You can go there for baby pics, stories, and links. I am doing this so as not to bore everyone with baby stuff. Now, I will only bore interested parties.

Now, on to my gripe...

So, there is a commercial on Starz talking about Black History Month. In the commercial this white female comic says, "Notice how comics talk about their most painful moments? One man made that happen." She is talking about Richard Pryor. We then cut to a scene of her doing comedy. She is doing some of the most hack, girly, my dating history type comedy. This whole thing bothers me. There was not one person available to talk about truly painful experiences? And, why a white female comic? Is it to show how Pryor influences so many? Then why not actually show someone who is honoring him, not doing some "safe" comedy.

If anyone else has seen this commercial and has an opinion, let me know. Maybe I'm off base, but I feel like Pryor would eat this woman for dinner.

As I watched the commercial I thought about when I performed for Paul Mooney. He saw me and heard my name and proceeded to say, "What's your name? Amy? That's cute. Tell your jokes." I proceeded to go full force and do my A material. I had to work hard to get some dap from Mooney, but I did. And, I didn't tell any jokes about blind dates.

"Talking about blind dates. Bitch please. Unless that date set you on fire I don't want to hear it!"

Before this Baby Pops...

2008-01-07T13:28:00.000-05:00

I'm very close to dropping this baby like a Lil' Wayne mixtape. I thought before I went to mommy land for a bit I would recommend anyone with an iPod or iTunes download the first season of The State on your system.

The State was a first rate sketch show with a young cats. Many of them now can be seen in things like Renio 911, Stella, and the movie The Ten. Check it out. For old fans it's a great find. If you never watched it, check it out.

http://www.the-state.com/

http://www.itunes.com

More Holiday Fun!!!!

2007-12-17T12:37:00.001-05:00

Happy Holidays From Mr. Plow!!!!

2007-12-16T09:46:00.001-05:00

So Many More Places to Go...

2007-12-14T13:50:00.000-05:00

A Charlie Brown Christmas...

2007-11-28T11:00:00.000-05:00

This post is really about celebrating the holiday season (whatever holiday you celebrate) by doing something a little bigger than yourself. I love the holidays and feel they are a celebration of family, life, and the hope of the coming year. I personally love the holidays.
What I do not love is the stores ramming it down my throat right after Halloween. It's too much and always makes me grouchy. My inner Mr. Brown comes out and I yell a cathartic "good grief!" But, this year I decided to really do something for the holidays that mean something.
I donated a laptop from the charity "One Laptop per Child". The goal of this organization is to get every child in developing countries and those underserved in the US a free computer made possible by donations. I saw the founder on 60 Minutes and for the past year have been following this organization. Yesterday I got online and bought their laptop.
If you do it now, you will also get a laptop sent to your residence to give to a child in your life. The computer uses battery power, can be cranked, and is made to withstand desert and rainforest conditions. For $400 I am getting 2 computers, one for a child somewhere else and one for my future child. I also get to tax deduct $200 on my taxes for basically being a decent person.
I know it's easy to get cynical and humbug things like this. But, truly, giving is something we can do. If you can't afford to purchase one you can donate any amount of money to the foundation.
This "Give one/Get one" offer is only happening until Dec. 30th. Just stop by the website and check it out.
http://www.laptopgiving.org
Happy Hannukah, Merry Christmas, Joyous Kwaanzaa, Happy New Year, and Happy Diwali to everyone!

This Week in WTF?!?!?!?!

2007-11-14T11:02:00.000-05:00

So, this week is shaping up to be totally bizarre and funny. Just the way I like it.

First things first...
Jay-Z was on Charlie Rose- the format of the show and the formality of the show made this interview just weird. Jay-Z is a great intervew and Charlie Rose did a good job. But, watching these two talk almost created a space-time rift in my living room.

Now, onto things with links...
Stephon Marbury is blackmailing Isiah Thomas for his starting position. Mr. Sex Truck has even more damaging information on Mr. Thomas than we already knew? Somebody get me some movie theater popcorn and a soda, this should be good.
http://www.nydailynews.com/sports/basketball/knicks/2007/11/14/2007-11-14_stephon_marbury_threatens_to_dish_info_a.html

Mariah Carey has created her own perfume called "M". I can't wait to use it while I enjoy time in my tub with clothes on or hanging in my butterfly room reading notes from my adoring fans.
http://www.mariahcareybeauty.com/

Britney Spears kids teeth have offically made me angry. They are really nasty and maybe Britney should have used white strips on them. There are no pictures of the teeth here. But, check out Pink is the New Blog for pics of those chompers.
http://blog.vh1.com/2007-08-28/britneys-kids-have-rotting-teeth/

And finally, Lyndon LaRouche has been a staple of crazy people politics about as long as L. Ron Hubbard has been a staple of crazy people religion. This article is a fascintaing piece about his career and followers. If you haven't heard of this guy this is a nice introduction to him and his followers.
http://www2.washingtonmonthly.com/features/2007/0711.klein.html

This is Why Home Schooling Scares Me...

2007-11-01T10:14:00.000-04:00

Read this profile of home-schooled "Kid Nation" contestant Nathan. I find it hard to believe he came up with these opinions on his own.

http://www.cbs.com/primetime/kid_nation/bios/nathan/

Great Post from Craigslist...

2007-10-31T13:07:00.000-04:00

I just read this hilarious rant on Craigslist and wanted to post it verbatim.
And, after reading it, let me ask all of you a question: who bothers you most on the subway?

OK, I have been riding the subway every day for a lot of years. When you start riding, it doesn't take a much time to see all sorts of characters. At first, these people sightings might be somewhat shocking or even funny, but you begin to grow used to the pants less, toothless, yelling, drunk, cracked out, stinky, sweaty, and perverted characters that ride the subway. They really don't bother you much; in fact I welcome a little cameo from these guys once in a while. After all, it is part of our city culture.

That said I have compiled a list – a spilling of my mental Rolodex of the people I share the subway with on a daily basis. These are the monsters I can't get used to and won't accept. They annoy the ever-loving piss out of me. Thing is, I never see these hooligans all at once, but I do see one at least once a day.

- Lady that fans herself with a piece of paper in the train car with broken a/c: Look lady, the air is hot. Not just your air but everyone's air. We are all breathing in each other's nasty hot breath and germs and here you go creating a gust of hot wind. This does not cool you down and it is especially fucking annoying when the car happens to be stuck that day, all is silent and we are forced to listen to the flip flopping of your paper up and down as you breath in and out deeply. So fucking ridiculous.

- Chinese guy with yellow nails and a bag of chicken feet: Dude, I'm not even kidding, you are nasty as hell. No one likes a set of long man-nails near them EVER and here you are wrapping those daggers around the center subway pole nearly slicing innocent bystanders as the plastic bag of chicken feet sways near your legs. Oh yes, and what are you going to do with those chicken feet anyway? Take advantage of us poor unknowing customers by grinding them up to use as filler in the next batch of HAPPY FAMILY from the local Jade Garden? I mean Jesus.

- Asshole with the sunglasses on: OK, there is no sunshine on the subway. This is not the L train pal. You sit there with your black as night shades on clearly staring at people for as long as you please. That's just wrong. Your probably staring at the lady's tits who is standing above you or even undressing some poor middle schooler with your eyes. Not only are you taking ample amounts of time to fanaticize about unsuspecting riders, but you look like an idiot doing it. This is especially worse when you also chew gum with an open mouth like a friggin' cow. You are drawing attention to yourself now and I can tell by the direction of your neck muscles that you were staring at me! Lady on the 8:30 F train Monday morning - you know who you are!

- Jerk that leans over you to look at the subway map: OK, your ball sac is 2 inches from my face. You don't care do you? Even though you've traumatized me and I lean back in my seat to shy far far away from your jewels, you lean in closer to get a better look at where to transfer from the E to the D train! Yuk man, have some manners. This is worse when you are sleeping with your head in your hands and wake to find a pants slacks covered man bulge in your grill.

- Ghostfarter: OK, I know it may be hard to hold it, but if you had diarrhea this morning of course your farts are going to reek! I mean the train is crowded with little ventilation yet you subject us to the rotten remnants of your ass-meal. This is inconsiderate and nasty! Hey if one clipped out, OK - it's happened to the best of us but you try to move around a bit and circulate. Don’t just stand there and poof out stinker after stinker while you read your paper! I'm talking about the well-dressed guy in the suit or the one hot chic on the train, it was probably you!

- Asshole with the book bag: If your bag more than 3 inches off of your back for god's sakes put it in front of you toward the floor! This is common knowledge!! I can't tell you how many times some retard with a book bag extending 3 feet tall off his back has decided to turn around and talk to his friend or bend down to tie his shoe and clock me one without knowing the difference. Yeah, that was me who bumped you on purpose. I hate you!

- Lady that hugs the pole on a crowded train: Are you fucking blind!?? There are other people riding the train with you jerk but yet you proceed to make sweet love to the silver pole. Can we maybe hold on for a second TOO so we don't break and ankle??!!! Then, when we ask you to move you PRETEND you don't speak English. Real nice. Why don't you walk to work with a broomstick and hug that you shitbag.

- Nail Clipping Fool: This means you regular business guy with no regard or oblivious Asian lady. Jesus Christ, does anyone have manners?? DO NOT CLIP YOUR NAILS ON THE SUBWAY! I should be making signs for god's sakes! Not only are we subjected to the resonating sound of your clipping but your nail shrapnel is flying every which way and hitting men, women and children. This is by far the most disgusting thing ever. I'd like to take a free shot at your gut while fellow train riders hold you up.

What a Crappy Time to Be a Woman

2007-10-04T13:23:00.000-04:00

Here are a few links related to some items about women and children. Neither seem to be having a great week.

"Is a Mommy Job Necessary?"
http://www.nytimes.com/2007/10/04/fashion/04skin.html?pagewanted=1&_r=1
This story from the NY Times fashion section details to pressure of women to get full body lifts after pregnancy (boob job, tummy tuck, lipo). As if pregnant women and mothers need any more to worry about.

"Idiot's Guide to the Isiah Trial"
http://sports.espn.go.com/espn/page2/story?page=simmons/070927
Bill Simmons breaks down the whole case. Needless to say, after the "win", women still have a long way to go. Between the culture at MSG we have an intern who slept with players and got promoted for it. She then got another promotion before testifying and THEN talked about how difficult her job was. Thanks for destroying female credibility all by yourself!

"Why Bush was dumb to veto SCHIP"
http://www.slate.com/id/2175243/
Thank God we're keeping insurance companies rich and making sure kids can't get benefits. Socialized medicine is a false argument and not passing this bill keeps doctors AND patients at the mercy of Aetna, HIP, and other insurance agencies.

"The Science of Strippers' Tips"
http://www.salon.com/mwt/broadsheet/?last_story=/mwt/broadsheet/2007/10/04/stripper_tips/
Basically, when you ovulate and lick the pole you make more money. If only this moved us ahead in other fields.

So, there you go. Be prepared to cry and curl up in bed. Happy Reading!

Always Making Excuses...

2007-10-03T10:15:00.000-04:00

It's been a while since I blogged about anything. But, I have some things on my mind and I will start blogging tomorrow in ernest. It's time to get off my enlarged (pregnant) booty and get to work!!!!

Amy's Summer Round-Up

2007-08-30T15:40:00.000-04:00

What I Liked:
Black Girls dressing like Valley Girls circa 1984. I love big pearls and neon.
1408, Stardust, Superbad, and very little else.
US Open tennis. Serena Williams WILL win. I'm betting money on it
USA Basketball. We did great and it got me amped for the upcoming season.
More skateboarding and less thugging
My work with Generation Stockholm

What I Didn't:
The continued dominance of most southern rap. I'm over it.
The entire movie season. (read previous blog)
Scott Baio is 45...and Single. What a jerk this guy is. It was almost laughable, and a special place of hate for his friend "Johnny V."
All the sports drama. Who cares? Just watch sports, every job is filled with jerks.
No good summer shows, excluding Big Love.

Songs of the Summer:
National Player's Anthem (UGK f/ Outkast)
Stronger (Kanye West)
Tambourine (Eve)
The Way I Are (Timbaland and some other people I don't know)
Lovestoned (Justin Timberlake)
Rehab (Amy Winehouse)
Drivin' Me Wild (Common f/ Lily Allen)
The entire Mark Ronson album version (a must buy. Trust me!)

Songs I Wish Would Die:
Umbrella- Horrible. The "ella/ella/ey/ey" crap made my ears bleed.
Hey there Delilah- I liked this sone when Simon and Grafunkle was recording it 40 years ago.
Big Girls Don't Cry- But, I do bleed out of my eyeballs when Fergie tries to sing.

How To Balance it All?

2007-08-22T20:16:00.000-04:00

Yesterday I got my second songram. This is the one they make sure to check for all organs, body parts, etc. I did not find out the sex. There are so few surprises in this day and age, I want this one to be huge. Plus, I am not such a fan of gender specific things. What if your liitle football player wants to be a ballerina and vice versa? That is not something you can force on a child.

The whole event was amazing and as time approaches, I find myself more excited and happy about what is going to happen to my life. But, this whole event has also made me think about many things in my life. Now, my main career is working with children. I love it, but in all honesty I do not see myself working with kids and then coming home to a kid. That would be too much. My love is writing and comedy. I worry daily about how this new life will affect that. Already my energy and stamina have decreased. I worry how I can balance writing, performing, and filming shorts with having a child and being a mother.

I think writing and helping Generation Stiockholm and Josh Homer with filming will still happen. But, I am realisitic. I will probably be off the comedy scene for at least 6 months or more. And that scares me. Whenever I make some headway things in my personal life get nuts. I am really happy with the past few months of what I have been doing. I know that my comedy partner and our endevours would still happen. But, my solo success could have a huge hit.

Who knows what will happen? I sure don't. Right now, I am just trying to work hard, create interesting things, and basically enjoy my husband, my (soon-to-be) baby, all my friends, and where things take me.

If anyone out there has any advice, I will listen. I think comedy and entertainment is already hard on women, I can't imagine what it is like on mothers.

Thanks for listening. This might be the most solopsistic post I've ever written.

Why was the Summer Movie Season so Bad This Year?

2007-08-09T08:13:00.000-04:00

So, I have been hitting the multiplexes this summer. And I have one worrd. BLAH! I usually enjoy summer movies for what they are, mindless fun. But, so far, this summer it hasn't been much fun.

Most movies have been profoundly dissapointing. I have only truly enjoyed 2 movies, 1408 and Knocked Up. Why? Both of these movies were just entertaining. They didn't try to be something they weren't. Ratatouille was fine, but it was not The Incredibles.

All the big stuff Spidey, Harry Potter, Transformers were all let downs.

So, how will my summer be saved? Below is a list of movies I haven't seen yet, but have some faith in:

Bourne Ultimatum
Superbad
Rescue Dawn
Sunshine
Stardust
The 10 (I still have a soft spot for The State)

It's a shame that this summer has been such a letdown. I am going to see Hairspray by myself tomorrow. I am not expecting much. Maybe that's how I should have approached the whole summer.

My Big Geeky Weekend

2007-07-23T08:45:00.000-04:00

So, what did you do this weekend?? It probably involved going out, exploring, doing things. Not me! I started my weekend seeing the film 1408. Excellent. The best movie I've seen in this disappointing summer. Then, I went to Virgin Megastore to pick up my pre-ordered copy of Harry Potter.
This is where everything goes off the rails. My husband and I were walking in and saw a small sign that said, "We have the Wii." The first words out of Joe's mouth were, "Where do you think they are?" He made a beeline downstairs and got in line. He got the last one they had that evening. Joe was even more satisfied because the guy behind him looked like a perp on "To Catch a Predator" and crushing dreams is something Joe loves to do. So, he got the Wii, 2 games, and an extra remote.
We then got ready to get our books and saw that the line was ridiculous. So, we went home and fired up the Wii. And, I am not a huge game fan, but let me say something. Nintendo has changed the game. While everyone else fretted about grphical load and adding every extra known to man, the Wii just decided to be the simplest and most interesting console around. The use of the wands with point and click functions along with the functionality of the sensors denoting any movement, make it a more interactive game.
The unit also connects to the internet where you can read news wire articles, get the weather, create avatars called Miis, and purchase almost every game in the NES universe. This creates an interactive and personal game experience. Needless to say, I spent a few hours playing Wario Smooth Moves and Wii Sports. The future is now.
Saturday morning I went and picked up my copy of Harry Potter, I am at page 345 currently and will be getting abck to it as soon as I finish this post. I have loved all the books and have been waiting for a while for this one. I think the books have been amazing and have really boosted a love of reading in many children and adults. I hope that all of Harry's fans continue seeking out good stories.
So, until The Simpsons opens next weekend this, officially, was the geekiest weekend ever.

Generation Stockholm Hits You Tube

2007-07-13T08:02:00.001-04:00

Please go to You Tuber and Check out our hilarious new sketch...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Tn9IhTOY3ks

If the link doesn't work, please search on You Tube using the search Generation Stockholm.

The World Series of Pop Culture (A Conspiracy Theory)

2007-07-12T06:32:00.001-04:00

So, VH1 has started up their competition "The World Series of Pop Culture" again. And, once again, they did not advertise the tests and on-line auditions. For 2 years in a row they have stymied my attempts for pop cultural dominance. I have a good feeling by either through the on-line test or by creating an uber-team that $250,000 would be mine.

Now, why did I label this conspiracy? Because, I am pretty sure VH1 wants to keep it under wraps so that the viewer at home can answer almost as many as the talent. I think if they made the testing rounds widely advertised they would end up getting the savant types that surf the net all day, watch every pop culture show, and basically consume pop culture in a single minded way. By advertising in smaller markets like Chicago, Austin, Miami, and not NYC or LA, they keep the number of people in the pop culture industry or who are just savvy.

Why do I care? Because I want approximately $77,000 ($250,000 split 3 ways before taxes) and I think I would at least have a chance. I'm not sure where I am going with all this. I was just mad watching the show last night and wiping the floor, by myself, with every team.

Oh well, maybe next year.

By the Time I Get Back From Arizona (apologies to Chuck D.)

2007-07-05T07:43:00.000-04:00

So, I just got back from a small trip. Work for the past 2 months has been kicking my ass. I have been trying to write, do comedy, have a job, and biggest of all BE PREGNANT! It's official, and many of you already know, I'm 3 months pregnant. The main reason I haven't been blogging or on the comedy scene is because this whole fetus thing has left me constantly tired and distracted.

Those of you that know me, know that I have never been a big sleeper. In fact, I suscribe to Mr. Nasir Jones' theory that "sleep is the cousin of death." But, over the past few months I have been sleeping like crazy, sick, and basically worhtless. But, after hitting the wall, I have made it over the mountain and am slowly getting back to myself.

I just took a small trip to Arizona for relaxation. I feel great now. I am working several days a week, tutoring, and doing my usual. I am making a new dedication to blogging and writing and hitting mics and guest spots. It's tough but I'm working at it. So much has been going on since I haven't been blogging; the NBA draft, summer movies, Barack Obama, Supreme Court cases, and much more. I will begin back to my old ways blogging and being a part of society.

I know you'va all missed me!

Sorry So Long...

2007-05-23T20:11:00.000-04:00

I plan to write more beginning this weekend. Get ready for the deluge!

Stories of my Life: Grindhouse Edition

2007-04-06T11:00:00.000-04:00

I have been eagerly awaiting the release of Grindhouse for a few reasons. 1. I love trashy movies, women in prison, kung fu, you name it. I think they are usually better directed and acted than people give them credit for. They also usually speak frankly on issues in a way a big budget film could. (The new film Shooter is a classic of this style. It is a radical film.) 2. Boobs and violence always get attention. And, 3. A WOMAN WITH A MACHINE GUN LEG!!!!

So, as I get ready to order my tickets I thought about many of the grindhouse experiences I have had.

Growing up, my family always went to the drive-in. The drive-in is the grindhouse of the suburbs. One of the first movies I remember seeing at the drive-in was a double bill of "Blazing Saddles" and "Young Frankenstein". I can honestly say that this experience formed my sense of humor, and my worldview. My mom still can't believe that they let me see this movie at a young age. I always thank her.

My other experience is more generalized. People talk about the "Disney-fication" of Times Square. I can honestly say that in the past 10 years since I moved here, it's gotten worse. There were still a few sex theaters and run down movie houses when I got here.

I always romanticized NYC growing up. I knew I wanted to live here and watched Woody Allen movies, "All that Jazz", and any other movie showing what I thought was city life. Looking at Scorsese films let me see the gritty side. I knew from books and other things that I wanted to see movies in Times Square.

The best memory I have of seeing a movie in a crappy theater was my first few weeks here. My husband and I went to see "Summer of Sam" in Times Square. The theater we went to was paret of a complex of a few theaters and shady souvenir shop. This area is now a foot locker, Swatch Shop, and Toys R' Us.

At the theater we were in a full crowd. The floor was sticky, the seats were falling apart, and the crowd was rowdy. What a way to see the movie. I went to the bathroom at the end. I waited until plenty of people were there. To say the bathroom was a little "rapey" is a understatement.
For almost a year we went to that theater every weekend. By 1999, it was torn down and changed into the mini shopping mall it is today.

Off topic for a minute. We lived in Washington Heights and would go to a movie theater right next to our apartment, sadly, this theater is now a dollar store. Very sad.

So, with all this said, I'll see you at the grindhouse!

Lessons I Learned at the LCS Auditions

2007-03-21T19:02:00.000-04:00

So, after a long night, a decent audition, and some napping, I am ready to share the lessons I learned from Last Comic Standing. My loyal fans will know that this is being done in a similar format to the lessons I learned at the Apollo auditions.

On with the lessons.

Always wear gloves and a hat no matter how not cold you are at the beginning.
Having someone like Josh putting up a tent can help your night.
Having an Irish Pub nearby open until 4am is helpful for using the bathroom.
Gotham is filled with stand up people (no pun intended)
Delusion doesn't have to have grandeur, just a vessel for its sadness. There were people in the line who had no idea what to do or what comedy was all about. I don't think this helps comedy at all.
Diners are good for 8 cups of coffee, a bathroom, and breakfast after 2 hours of sleep.
And finally, Adrienne will make sure you get no sleep. Trust me on this on.

For me, the audition was a learning experience. I have been trying to be more zen about things. I got to do several jokes, figured out what to do better, and made some decisions about my comedy from what I learned.

Without my husband or my comedy husband this never would have even happened. I am glad I was pushed.

To everyone with a dollar and a dream, good luck.

And to Extreme Maggie...you are a sexy bitch! Good luck. I'm going to Home Depot right now in honor of you.

Phyllis Diller: An Appreciation

2007-03-08T08:09:00.000-05:00

So, I was watching The View yesterday and Phyllis Diller was a guest. I have to say, I have never really seen her stand-up. I really only know her as a "personality" and her guest spots on "Scooby Doo". But, listening to her talk, I realized that not only did she pave the way for comics, she is still sharp and keeping up with the scene.

They showed some clips of on "The Jack Parr Show". And let me be honest, her jokes and delivery were great. In fact, she could get on stage with her jokes now and be as fresh as many "lady" comics out there. It was amazing to see a woman who started her career at 37, just do it. She talked about how it was easier to market herself back then because she was a solo act and a woman and that made her a novelty.

She talked comedy with Rosie and Joy. They all three lamented the fact that currently, there is a lot of people and fewer spots on comedy than ever before. Diller said she thinks that it's tough being a woman comic now because you have to be cute, funny, and basically willing to sell out. She said that it makes her sad how much looks have taken over comedy.

Diller also talked about some of the women who came up with her like Totie Fields and Moms Maberly. She talked about getting her start. She also talked about how important it is to make a persona and never use real names of family on stage. She said her marriages (2) lasted because she never used real names. "You keep that at home," Diller said.

I was so glad to have seen this. Her wisdom and humor gave me a lot of inspiration, I hope she did the same to other women watching as well.

My Trip to Amsterdam

2007-02-27T09:52:00.000-05:00

I just came back from the very interesting city Amsterdam. Because blogging is the art of talking about yourself believing that others want to read it, I will share the details of my trip. I won't really recount everything I just want to share some general impressions.

It's a beautiful and intersting city. It's smaller and very different architectually than most European cities. I found it a refreshing change of pace from places like Madrid or Paris. It has a cozier, smaller feel.

Although everyone focuses on the drugs and prostitutes, it's a city with a lot more. We enjoyed some really good food and great sights. The Van Gough museum is filled with beauty and some of the most stunning art on record. The Anne Frank House is powerful. Being in the house itself was powerful. I, along with many others, spent most of the time crying. It ends up moving you in ways you cannot imagine.

The Red Light District is not so shocking, for me it was a little sad. Many of the prostitutes looked young and from Russia and Eastern Europe. Every man walking the street looked guilty. Not as funny as I hoped it would be.

In contrast, the hash bars are a great time. Good atmosphere, calm music, and just a good time. You could have a conversation without yelling. My husband Joe summed it up best. "I would love to just hang out in a hash bar. It's better than a drinking bar. You can hear people." Truer words have not been spoken.

We did do the tourist thing and went to a cheese factory and a wooden shoe demonstration. Good times. I love being a tourist sometimes.

I would recommend Amsterdam. But, I would say do the "bigger" cities first. They awe you. Amsterdam feels cozy, more like being in Brooklyn as opposed to Manhattan.

Stories of My Life: Riding the Bus Edition

2007-02-12T22:48:00.000-05:00

Many people I meet in NY, look down on the bus. The bus is seen as what you ride when you live far away from the subway and need it to connect to something. Many times I use it for that. However, I also use the bus because I love to look at the city. Many times I'll ride the bus just to look at the sights.

Now, if you are looking for a quick mode of transportation the bus is not it. For those not in the know, you can walk faster than taking the crosstown bus. But, other routes move faster and take some great streets and small nooks and crannies.

All of this is leading to my story. Be patient dear reader.

So, I enjoy going to DUMBO in Brooklyn. To get there from my house, the most fun way is to take the B25 bus. I went to DUMBO one day to shop at West Elm and get some Jaques Torres chocolate. I picked up the bus and headed home. The way home goes through the Fulton Mall. The Fulton Mall was immortalized in "Fortress of Solitude". It's known for its abundance of grill (mouth not BBQ) stores, sneaker shops, and many Duane Reade stores. To say it's a little ghetto is to say Teri Woods writes books with bad grammar.

After my little shopping excursion, I took the bus back to my house. The bus was at the end of the mall and on its way to the rest of the BK. The bus was waiting at a red light. As it waited, across the street two men were fighting. Everyone on the bus was looking because the fight was very loud and intense.

Suddenly the two men got very close. It appeared that the one man smacked the other. It took a second, but soon everyone saw that it was not a slap. The man had slashed the other man across the face. As the slashee moved and placed his hand on his face. The blood sprayed through and covered the street. The slasher ran as fast as he could. Now everyone on the bus said a collective,"Damn." It was frightening. All of this was taking place at 3pm on a Wednesday. As the man seemed to be in shock another man came up and started to escort him in the direction of the Brooklyn Hospital.

The light turned and the bus moved on. There was nervouse chatter and awkward pauses. Noone on the bus knew how to react. They also were left with the world's largest cliffhanger.

Who knows?

I like to think the guy got to the hospital, got stitches, then found the bitch ass that did it and got some revenge. But, I am also filled with hate.

Justin Timberlake @ MSG: A Review

2007-02-08T10:09:00.000-05:00

Last night, while the world was watching Lost. I was at Madison Square Garden watching Justin "JT" Timberlake at his FutureSex/LoveSounds tour. I am going to break down the 3 and a half hour four part show. It was amazing. And, seeing such a huge act (sold out the Garden) do so many avant garde things, I have a little hope for the future of music.

OPENING ACT: P!NK
As Pink has made better music, her popularity has placed her on the margins. Her last 2 albums tanked in comparison to her breakout "Missundastood" with the hits "Get this Party Started" and "Family Portrait". But, as the opening act, playing to between 50-80% of the crowd at any given time, she got the crowd pumped and showed her talent as a musician. Her singing voice was strong and she utilized the full open circle stage. Her 40 minute set featured her biggest hits, a few songs that were not known but filled with energy and style. By the end of her set, which finished with "Get this Party Started" and had the crowd eating out of the palm of her hand.

Small Break before opening act...

PART I
Timberlake came out to his "FutreSex/LoveSounds" open. Large see-through scrims covered the stage. All of them projected visuals and then superimposed the stage action on top of them. The effect, which worked great, was used during the whole show. Part one focused on many dance songs, with a few small breaks for ballads. He sat down with his guitar and played several slow songs. He ended the first act with an assist by Timbaland. By this part, he had the crowd loving every move.
The show was different for many reasons. Timberlake, for many times during the show, was under the scrim and let his band and dancers take up the full stage. He also played guitar, drums, and piano during this time and the use of a live band added depth to many of the songs. Timberlake grew up during Michael Jackson and Prince. His stage style, songs, and performance are an intriguing mix of both.

INTERMISSION
Timberlake went off the towel off, change clothes, etc. Timbaland went to the middle of the stage. He surrounded himself in scrims. He began beat mixing, noodling on the 808, and sharing samples. All of the beats were choreographed to the movie scenes being displayed on the scrims. This whole segment was the DJ equivalent of Deadhead guitar noodling. Oddly fascinating. Also, it shows the trust Timberlake has in his audience that they would sit for this. The crowd did more than sit, they were riveted.

PART II
More of the same with Part One. Timberlake again mixed up the middle with a light ballad set. But, the highlight was the last 10 minutes. Timberlake fused "Cry me a River" and "SexyBack" into one epic moment. The staging, dancing, and scrim work was amazing. Timberlake had every person out of their seats, dancing, screaming, and just losing themselves. During "SexyBack" both Timberlake and Timbaland had to dodge panties. That just about sums up the night.

ENCORE
"Dick in a Box" with Andy Samberg and in full character. Enough said.

The Amy Awards Part I: The Top 10 List

2007-02-07T08:20:00.000-05:00

As we head into the new year and get ready for Oscars I am posting my 10 Favorite Movies (and 5 runners-up) for the year 2006. Part II will be posted later this week with many special awards given out. Now, on with our show!

1. Children of Men
2. Idiocracy
3. The Departed
4. The Devil Wears Prada
5. The Fountain
6. Stranger than Fiction
7. Dreamgirls
8. The Prestige
9. The Last King of Scotland
10. (tie) Half Nelson/ CSA: The Confederate States of America

Runners-Up: Brick, Little Miss Sunshine, A Prairie Home Companion, Jet Li's Fearless, and A Scanner Darkly.

Get ready for round 2. I fully expect lots of comments on my amazing list!

My Senior Year of High School

2007-01-30T08:59:00.000-05:00

So, I always end up doing these dumb things, but this one was a little different so I thought I would share. Unfortunately, I am terribly boring, so this is proably going to be deadly dull. Fill this out about your SENIOR year of high school! The longer ago it was, the more fun the answers will be.

Who was your best friend(s)? Steve Trimble, Shawn Ruble, Dale Edwards, Stephanie Smith, not many others, I am a loner by nature.

What kind of car did you drive? Didn't drive, had many traumatic incidents with the driving test.

It's Friday night, where were you? At a football game performing with color guard and then heading out for food and hanging out.

Were you a partier? No, but I found out later people thought I was a slut.

Were you considered a flirt? No, boys (not men) are intimidated by humor and brains.

Ever skip school? All the time. I usually tallied about 20 days out a year.

Were you a nerd? Yes and I still am.

Did you get suspended/expelled? No, but many detentions and other drama.

Can you sing the fight song? Yeah

Who was your favorite teacher? Ms. Stevens, people thought she was tough, I thought she was one of our more cultured teachers. I will also include Senora Catron on this list.

Favorite class? English and Advanced PE

What was your school's full name? Carlisle High School

School mascot? Indians (Sambo was already taken)

Did you go to Senior Prom? Yes. Got dumped by my 1st date but Ruble pulled through for me.

If you could go back and do it over, would you? I wouldn't go back. My life has been really great after it.

What do you remember most about graduation? The feeling of relief and my itchiness to move to NYC.

Favorite memories of your Senior Year? Hanging out with people, debating politics with Steve Trimble and Kevin Ritchie, Academic team and Teen Counseling sleepover, both of which changed my life.

Where were you on senior skip day? Who knows, many days were senior skip day!

Did you have a job your senior year? Yes. I worked for a catering company on the weekends and then also did babysitting. That summer I worked midnights at Meijers.

Where did you go most often for lunch? The cafeteria, sitting with my nerdy AP friends and usually reading a magazine. Hollaback Sassy!

What did you do after graduation? Went to college, got married in Las Vegas, moved to NYC. The rest is history.

When did you graduate? 1994

Are you going to your 10 year reunion? I did. I was hoping the women would have been fatter. But the guys aged in dog years. I might do the 20, just to see what's up.

What school did you're school hate most? Franklin

Who will repost this after you? Who knows?

Coming Soon...

2007-01-28T00:17:00.000-05:00

The 7th Annual Amy Awards will be posted next weekend.

A nation holds its breath...

The Similarities Between Drag and Hip Hop

2007-01-12T08:13:00.000-05:00

This is probably going to end up being my most esoteric and academic posting, but screw it. I think this is interesting.

So, last night my husband and I were talking about drag shows. We agreed that everyone should see a few in there life. They are entertaining first and foremost. They are the American equivalent to Kabuki. And, mainly, they just make you laugh.

Now, on a deeper level, drag does many things. There are also many types of drag. I'll delve into all of this. But, first a small antecdote. I have been a fan of drag for a long time. Personally, I have almost always enjoyed camp, satire, and ironic commentary. An appreciation of these things is essential to enjoying drag. In Dayton, Ohio there was a club I went to very often called "Celebrity". This was one of 2 gay clubs in the city. Celebrity had some great drag shows. Most of the drag fell into the lip-synch a diva's song category. You would watch and laugh and generally participate in the shenanigans. Seeing many shows there for such a long time gave me an appreciation for good drag and a keen eye in spotting bad drag.

So, there are several types of drag. They include; good drag, bad drag on purpose, scene drag, music drag, and gender illusion. Let me explain. Good drag is over the top femininity with glamorous gowns. Bad drag on purpose is looking messy or "real" for comedic effect (i.e. Divine, Kiki and Herb), scene drag is the lip-synching or acting out of classic scenes featuring over the top women (i.e. Mommie Dearest), music drag works the same way as scene drag (i.e. Cher, Judy, Liza, et. al.), and gender illusion is the most confusing, it is typically standard drag for the purpose of contests and pageants.

Now, I said something at the top where I said drag and hip-hop have similarities. The main similarity they have is that unlike many other forms of creativity, they do not live in a vacuum. They constantly comment on the society they live in. Hip-hop many times uses the music video genre to comment on films, TV, and other pop culture detrius. Drag does the same thing.

There is a term in literary criticism called "informing the text". This is when outside influences, history, or just time change how we look at the piece of work. Drag does this constantly. Any song or scene that is acted out, is changed by the drag performance. Many times it illuminates unseen comedy, pathos, or subtext not seen in the original piece.

I encourage anyone who has never seen a drag show to check one out. It's worth the price and is a definite artistic experience. Leave your preconceptions at the door.

Random Thoughts...

2007-01-06T14:00:00.000-05:00

So, lately I've had a lot on my mind. Much like the insane Tracy Jordan on 30 Rock, I wanted to write down a few musings.
Off topic: If you are not watching 30 Rock, you are missing out. It's the funniest show on TV right now.

Back to your regularly scheduled blog...
Here are some things I've been thinking about for the past month. I'm sure I'll seem crazy, but who cares.

Are the parents in "The Parent Trap" the best parents in the world or the worst parents in the world for what they did by splitting up their twin daughters?
Is "Dreamgirls" the gayest movie ever made? (Seeing this in a theater seemingly holding the entire cast of Noah's Arc may have clouded my view about that.)
Why are the NJ Nets so bad this year? They should be first in their division. They have some great new rookies and bench guys. Hopefully, Lawrence Frank will be fired by the All-Star break. More on this topic to come.
I still miss Chappelle's Show
Being told you are too edgy for Showtime at the Apollo and too mean for the Comic Strip can put you in a small depression about your comedy career.
Being asked "what are you good for" can put you in a small depression about your day job.
Hopefully this weather, seemingly a bell weather for the Apocalypse, can get me out of ever having to be succesful.
And finally, I saw an amazing retro Soul Train episode today. If you live in NYC it's on every Sat. at noon on the CW11. Today's highlight was Al Green performing. He was still arm bandaged from hisd hot grits drama. Riveting TV.

So, that's about it for now. I made several New Year's resolutions and one of them was to write more, perform more, and become more well-rounded. Hopefully, this is the start of some real creativity.

Coming Soon

2007-01-06T08:54:00.000-05:00

To say things have been crazy is an understatement.

New blogs, the Amy Awards, etc.

They are coming your way.

Happy Holidays

2006-12-22T10:23:00.000-05:00

So, it's been a busy time for the Plow. School, work, Nets games, Aimee Mann holiday shows, supporting friends in their creative ventures, etc. Much like my good friends at 3 6 Mafia said, "It's hard out there for a pimp." And for a Plow, truer words have never been spoken.

Movies reviews, Nets reports, and the Aimee Mann holiday show review will be posted this weekend.

Everyone out there, have a happy holiday season and be ready for whatever 2007 brings.
Mazel Tov!

NJ Nets Report...

2006-11-30T10:41:00.000-05:00

11/28/06 Nets Vs. Bobcats
So, I went to my 1st game of the season. I was actually excited to see the Bobcats. They are a young team who has made some smart decisions on draft day. Hopefully, in a few years they will actually be contenders. Sean May, Raymond Felton, and Adam Morrison all delivered. I'm not completely sold on Emeka Okafor. He is fould prone and already moves like Patrick Ewing cira 1994. So, his knees may be a problem. However, they played well together and beat the Nets. The Nets played spotty, made poor shot selection, and basically played like a team that had no chemistry. I'm a little worried for their chances.

12/5/06 Nets Vs. Mavericks
I was obviously worried for good reason. The fact that they were only down by 15 and I was surprised tells you how bad the Nets stunk up the place. They again, made horrible shot selection. Why do you have both of your seven-footers shooting 15-30 foot jumpers? Penetration should be what the Nets do. But, there were 2 bright spots. Make that three bright spots. Both UConn rookies Marcus Williams and Eddie House play like they want to win and bring real energy. However, they make a lot of rookie mistakes. My new favorite heart player is Mikki Moore. He is an 8 year vet who plays with heart and energy. He reminds me of long forgotten Rodney Buford who was a Net 2 years ago. I love when someone plays like they love the game and want to be there.
The highlight of the game was seeing Mark Cuban and letting him know that sticking it to the commish is his life's duty. I wish I had gotten a picture.

The Stories of My Life: 8th Grade Edition

2006-11-28T13:55:00.000-05:00

During my holiday trip home, I got to see two of my closest and oldest friends. During the visit, I started thinking about all the ridiculous stories of my life and how they could entertain my readers. So, I thought today I would start from a gem from 8th grade.

In 8th grade I was a huge, snotty pain in the ass. This is no surprise to anyone who has ever met an 8th grader. They are miserable people with body issues, hormones, self-esteem drama, the whole package. But, I was all those things and a smart aleck with a pathological need to be right. Some would say I still have that need. But, that's for another day, stories of my life 30 year old edition.

In 8th grade one day, someone opened our English teacher's windows to cool the room off. Our teacher liked to keep the room at a toasty 98 degrees. So our class period was broken in half with lunch in the middle. During this time someone snuck in the room and opened the windows. When we got back the room was chilly, our teacher's mood was chillier.

She was furious. She wanted to know who did it. She began asking the entire class. I sat in the last seat in the room. I was close to the door. When you get sent out a lot, that makes it much easier to be banished. By the time the teacher got to me everyone had denied it. We were all close to facing detention. Some of my more gentle friends (i.e. Eroica) were not cut out for detention. I knew this. I also knew that detention was not a big deal and I could and had done it with both hands tied behind my back.

So, it got to me. No one was brave enough to admit guilt. I said I did it.

A transcript of the conversation as follows.
Teacher: Did you open the windows?
Me: If I say yes, does that get everyone else off the hook?
Teacher: Yes.
Me: And, I only get one day of detention?
Teacher: Yes.
Me: Then I did it.

At this point, I was asked to leave the room. I took my copy of Sassy and headed out into the hall. I didn't hear what happened after I left.

Eroica paraphrased the event for me:
"So, um, she said, you know, that she knew you didn't do it. She said she was, you know, like, ashamed of us. She said you were brave and a better person than the rest of us. Um...yeah."

So, I never served that detention. But, I had to write 100 sentences about not lying. No one ended up punished and my reputation was enhanced. So, basically, it was a win/win situation.

A Moment of Sielnce...

2006-11-21T16:09:00.000-05:00

My favorite director, Robert Altman died today at 81. Watch one of his movies. He will be missed.
His movies were messy, indulgent, and many times amazing. He created his own adjective. Critcs use the term Altman-esque for any movie about losers or dreamers or any movie with a big cast.
No more from me as I am heading out for Thanksgiving. I just felt this needed to be posted.

LOS ANGELES -
SEARCHNews News Photos Images Web'
Robert Altman, the caustic and irreverent satirist behind "MASH," "Nashville" and "The Player" who made a career out of bucking Hollywood management and story conventions, died at a Los Angeles Hospital, his Sandcastle 5 Productions Company said Tuesday. He was 81.
The director died Monday night, Joshua Astrachan, a producer at Altman's Sandcastle 5 Productions in New York City, told The Associated Press.
The cause of death wasn't disclosed. A news release was expected later in the day, Astrachan said.

Amy's Movie Review A Palooza

2006-11-15T16:59:00.000-05:00

Hi everybody! (Hi, Dr. Nick)
So, it's time to get you Maltin on as I review some of the movies I've seen over the past month.

The Prestige (dir. Christopher Nolan)
What is the nature of magic? What is the truth behind any trick? Not to sound pretentious, but this is the overarching theme of this great movie. Christian Bale and Hugh Jackman give great performances. The script is smarter than most audiences, but if you happen to enjoy magic (esp. the magic of Ricky Jay) then nothing in the movie is that big of a surprise. The movie follows the three parts of a magic trick in the narrative of the story. There are double and triple crosses. I personally was a huge fan of the dueling journals. The ending will divide people based on their like or dislike of characters. But, the movie is well made, well acted, and exceptionally smart for Hollywood. Check it out if it's still at your local theater.

The Last King of Scotland (dir. Kevin Macdonald)
Who likes an African dictator? I do! Idi Amin is probably one of the most notorious dictators in modern history. He killed almost 300,000 of his own people and was believed to have eaten many of them. This movie tells his and his country's story by using an Scotsman who becomes Amin's doctor. The movie does a very smart thing in that we only see Amin's true colors when he becomes disillusioned. We are side by side with the narrarator and we are duped as much as he is. Forest Whittaker is amazing as Amin and will surely get an Oscar nom. Be on the look out for an unrecognizable Gillian Anderson. She's the one who looks like if someone hit Virginia Madsen with a bus. Woof.

Little Children (dir. Todd Field)
An amazing movie that is paced deliberately (read: slow) with a story about suburban 30-somethings who are unsatisfied. Now on top of that throw in the story of a newly released flasher, and finally add the voice of a PBS narrarator. Sounds pretentious as hell, doesn't it? Well, it was. It was also an amazing film with some great acting. Look for Jackie Earle Haley of Bad News Bears and Breaking Away fame to get an Oscar nomination for his performance in this film as the flasher. He is dispicable and heartbreaking at the same time. this is not a movie for everyone, but if you want some good acting and a story that hits home, then check out this film.

Running with Scissors (dir. Ryan Murphy)
This review will be exceptionally short. If you like the book, this movie is a glossy version of what you read on the page. So, your enjoyment of the movie will be in proportion to your enjoyment of the movie. Done and done.

Borat (dir. Larry Charles)
Do you enjoy laughing at homohpobes, racists, foreigners, and other idiots? Do you like disturbing and disgusting male nudity? then, Borat is the movie for you. Sacha Baron Cohen creates a character that's on part Mahir and one part Moliere. He's a complete innocent with backwards ways and small-minded opinions. The way people try to help him or share their secret hateful thoughts with him can be a quesy experience. But, you will also laugh harder than you have at anything recently. There are several types of humor in the film and they all hit the mark. The mix of highbrow and lowbrow is not novel, but it's handled well. And, the fact that the film never lets up on the "joke" of the documentary aspect helps amazingly.

A Nation Exhales...

2006-11-08T13:48:00.000-05:00

To the delight of many and the sadness of few, Britney Spears filed for divorce from K-Fed (aka Kevin Federline).

She cited “irreconcilable differences”. Those differences mainly were paycheck related.

Oh well, good luck inseminating someone as rich and famous as Britney Spears again.

Whetting Your Palate...

2006-11-07T22:18:00.000-05:00

Just an FYI-

This Thursday night I will be posting reviews of the following movies:

Little Children
Borat
The Prestige
The Last King of Scotland
Running With Scissors

I know you're excited.

A Short Hiatus...

2006-10-31T19:06:00.000-05:00

This site will be back with more fun, more writing, and more awesomeness very soon.
I promise.

One Door Closes...

2006-10-17T09:14:00.000-04:00

and another door opens.

So, I had my audition at the Strip last night. It went fine. I got laughs and I did a set that does me well at most places. But, it didn't serve me at the audition.

I didn't pass.

And, honestly, I felt like I wasn't going to when I started. Everything I personally think about my comedy, Starla verbalized. She said some of my humor was a little mean. That I got laughs but never a huge laugh. My humor is not "traditional" enough for the club.

She did say that she remembered me. That she liked that I took her advice about my mic usage. But, that maybe I wasn't a good fit for the Strip. C'est la vie!

But, while I was there. I did some amazing writing with Adrienne Iapalucci. We had an amazing session and came upon something amazing. I feel like it could go somewhere.

So, even though the set was not what I wanted. The things that happened later made being there worthwhile.

And, I got to talk comic books and the amazing new show "Heroes" with my buddy Sim. And, that was kinda great too.

Finally, a shout out of love to Robin Fox who always makes me feel great. And, I hope Andrienne and I made her feel a little better last night!

Stupid Rap Analogies to Discuss Friendship

2006-10-12T23:00:00.000-04:00

Everyone knows Josh Homer, he is considered the asshole of the Soapbox. But, to me he is just my friend and benefactor. I could have done comedic, literature, or film analogies. I decided to use rap.

I am the Rah Digga to his Busta Rhymes

I am theFergie to his Wil. I. Am.

I am the Beanie Siegal to his Jay-Z

I am the Goodie Mob to his Outkast

I am the Kenny Parker to his KRS-One

I am the Juelez Santana to his Cam'Ron

And, most importantly...
I am the Lil' Kim to his Biggie.

The Whitest Day of my Life

2006-10-09T16:19:00.000-04:00

So, I spend lots of time trying to be a "cool" white person. I try to make strides, go places, and do things that help my people become a little less corny. I get very tired of the whole, "white people walk like this…" thing that is prevelent in comedy.

It was with this purpose I went to a Jamaican baby shower. And, it was with this one event that I was directly transported back to reality. I saw for myself just how white I am.

Let me set the scene: The invitation said 9pm. I had to go from Brooklyn to the Bronx. This required a train and a bus and a walk. Two-fare zone you know? So, there was a lot of time spent getting there. I got there at 10pm. I thought I was late.

Wrong!!!!

The party was half empty. The person having the baby wasn't there yet. I saw someone I knew and talked them. However, that was difficult as there was a DJ there playing reggae. The party began to fill up more and more and by 11:30pm food was served.

At midnight the party was in effect. The gifts began to be opened. This was when the DJ got into full effect. When a gift was opened that was especially nice, the DJ would get on the mic and shout, "Lighters!!!" (say with accent) and then on his DJ equipment play the sound of gunshots.

It was during this time that I realized that everyone has cultural differences. It doesn't make it wrong. But it sure did make me feel white.

If Only...

2006-10-02T09:08:00.000-04:00

So, after looking at this in depth, I can honestly say maybe Jessica Lange, but on her worst day and my best day.

The Greatest Fight I Ever Saw

2006-09-29T09:20:00.000-04:00

People talk about great fights. These fights are usually competitions of professionals. The setting is a formal ring. There is money to be made and money being spent. And, most importantly, there is a referee and judges. This creates a feeling of legitimacy.

But, the best fight I saw had none of this. In fact, the fight was over within 3 minutes. There were no judges, only the court of public opinion. The thing that made this fight so great, so transcendent, was its simplicity.

I will set the scene. It was a typical afternoon at Carlisle High School. I was staying a little late to decorate my locker. (Sidebar: Yes, I was that queer.) I finished and was sitting in our lunch/common area while I waited for my ride. While I waited two freshman girls, whose names are lost to the mists of time, started yelling at each other.

The yelling escalated to one face smack and then a hard hair pull. That was it. It was finished. I was a little saddened that it didn't go any farther. But, there was a surprise in store.

The girl who pulled the hair had been thinking ahead. Literally. When the face smacker stepped outside a wind whipped across the sidewalk. As the wind blew, a huge chunk of her hair flew off. It was significant. It was big enough that the entire lunch area gasped. Phrases like "holy shit" flew like the hair.

For this one image alone. It was the greatest fight I ever saw.

The View With Rosie (A Review)

2006-09-20T08:57:00.000-04:00

First of all, I'm not afraid to admit it. I have watched The View for the entire 10 year run. It started when I was a junior in college. I would watch it when I had some time off, because no matter how far I try to run from it, I am a midwestern girl at heart. I love a good coffee klatch as much as the next girl. In fact, I love it more.

So, my small town sensibilities were happy to watch The View. I was amazed at the spot that was usually filled by a "young" girl. Somehow, they seemed more out of touch than the other hosts. I wanted desperately to work there. I loved when SNL skewered them. Tracy Morgan's "I'm a lawyer" became a hilrious joke to everyone I watched the show with.

But, the past few years were not as good. Star Jones turned into an alien. As she lost weight both her literal head and figurative head grew to epic proportions. She lost her humor and with Elizabeth Hasselback their, she let her intolerant Republican flag fly. Joy was obviously disgusted and with Meredith leaving, the show needed help.

Enter from the wings Rosie O'Donnell. No matter your opinion of Rosie as a person, she is a heck of a talk show host. She knows how to turn it on and off and she can keep things going. Personally, I think Rosie probably has a lot of anger and maybe is not the nicest person. But, she has added a new life and fun to The View.

Watching The View now, you see chemistry, humor, and real fun. It is so much better than it has been in years. I hope Rosie stays for a while and I hope the 5th player TBA will keep the chemistry alive.

Which Band Am I Talking About???

2006-09-15T08:30:00.000-04:00

So, I'm going to place a few facts in my pseudo-copyrighted bullet point style. Tell me if you know who this band is.

This band toured when they were first popular and working within the paradigm of pop music. Once they began to explore studio space and lyrics, they essentially stopped touring all together.
This band used film to cement their personas as "joker, lover, etc."
This band put out a series of double albums that worked as solo sets and a group project.
This band supported other artists and bands that they loved. However, none of these bands were ever even as close to fame as their benefactors.
This band created music that stretched the boundary of their genre.
This band faced years of break-up rumors before they actually broke up.

Who am I talking about?

I am actually talking about 2 bands. The first band is The Beatles anfd the other band is Outkast. These two groups have been in an almost parallel world. Both groups have had so many similarities that they appear to be the same. The only difference is pop vs. rap. So, for Outkast fans we have nowhere to go right now, except to wait for their break up and solo projects that will be good but will never have the power of their group work.

You have been warned.

Another Quiz in Lieu of an Actual Post

2006-09-14T20:25:00.000-04:00

So, another quiz about me to tide you over until I actually post this weekend. Real writing. I promise.

You've Experienced 80% of Life

You have all of the life experience that most adults will ever get.And unless you're already in your 40s, you're probably wise beyond your years.

How Much Life Experience Do You Have?

I'm Bored and Taking Quizzes...Watch Out!!!

2006-09-06T16:07:00.000-04:00

Take the quiz:
Which Mean Girls Character Are you? (girlz)

Cady Herron
Your a math freak, your a dork.

Quizzes by myYearbook.com -- the World's Biggest Yearbook!

Take the quiz:
Which X-Men Character are you most like?

Bobby Drake
Sometimes you can feel neglected and left out, but don't let what others say get you down, do what's best for you. You have energy hidden deep within you, even though sometimes you don't feel it. Sometimes you must tap that inner strength in order to succeed.

Quizzes by myYearbook.com -- the World's Biggest Yearbook!

Take the quiz:
What soda are you???

Shirley temple
You're fun and sweet, and although you may be a little bit childish, you're one of the best people to be around.

Quizzes by myYearbook.com -- the World's Biggest Yearbook!

DUH?!?!?!

2006-09-01T13:56:00.000-04:00

To anyone who knows me this test is stating the obvious in about 100 ways.

Your Taste in Music:

80's R&B: Highest Influence80's Rock: High Influence90's Hip Hop: High InfluenceClassic Rock: High InfluenceOld School Hip Hop: High Influence

How's" Your Taste in Music?

I Continue to Be Fascinated by the Duggar Family

2006-08-31T22:08:00.000-04:00

Have you ever seen this family? If you have, then you, like me have watched the approximately 5 specials that the Discovery Channel/ Discovery Health has shown about this family.

A little backstory for those of you who don't know. The Duggar family has 16 children. (The picture is from 2004 and missing 2 kids I think.) The family lives in Arkansas and basically since the age of 22 this woman has not stopped being pregnant.

So, why am I fascinated? Let me list the ways.

The family is obviously religious (clothes, hair, location, 16 kids) but Discovery edits out almost anything that would even suggest they are religious. This is hilarious to me as the fact that most people can deduce they are religious by only looking at the surface.
A woman who has been pregnant for almost 16 straight years is unfathomable to me. The pain, discomfort, and general hormonal changes mean that this woman has not had her period for almost 2 decades. Not a problem, but it doesn't seem normal. It also seems that you cannot ever feel normal. Just on a basic level, her vagina has to be blown out and able to use as a parachute.
The amount of food, clothes, etc. that they buy is always staggering. And, again, Discovery is quick to keep out any information as to how they make a living. This makes a cynic like myself believe that they receive government subsidies. I think this would keep many people from finding the story heartwarming and so it is omitted.
I'm a sucker for fundamentalist clothing. Prairie dresses, pleated khakis, long hair that is a pseudo mullet with odd feathering. (See photo above.)

I'm sure there are more things, but it all kind of becomes one big blur. I have seen all their shows and I watch them multiple times. I am fascinated and a little dumbfounded. I hope I grow tired of it. But, I probably won't.

I Hate to Say "I Told You So"

2006-08-29T19:38:00.000-04:00

But, I told you so.

http://www.cnn.com/2006/LAW/08/28/ramsey.arrest/index.html

It's tough always being right.

A Message to Brooklyn Courtesy The Onion

2006-08-24T16:44:00.000-04:00

When I moved into this neighborhood, I fell in love right away. Not with the actual neighborhood, but with its potential: It's affordable, there are nice row houses all around just waiting to be filled up by my friends, there's lot of open space to be exploited, and plenty of parking. Plus, this area has got a great authentic feel and, with a little work, it could be even more authentic. Perfect, right?
So why am I the only one doing anything about it?
I am always telling my other struggling artist, freelance graphic designer, and independent T-shirt-maker friends that this is the neighborhood to take it to. It's the next big thing. Sure, it's an hour from my day job and right next to a stinky canal and a power station, but that's the whole charm—it keeps the yuppies out.
It's frustrating, though. My friends insist they're happy where they are. But if they only saw the idealized neighborhood I see, where that rundown old health clinic is turned into a tattoo parlor, and that Last Supper mural is replaced with one featuring Radiohead or a stylized corporate octopus, they'd come around.
The problem is that the property owners here are clueless. They fill their yards with pavement and statues of the Virgin Mary, when all they have to do is clear that brush and we'd have a great beer garden or bocce court. They're spending all this money to renovate the old church, when it'd be put to better use split it up into condos. My landlord has no idea this apartment—hell, every apartment in this building—is undervalued. He could quadruple his profits by cutting my place in half. So I give him an extra 20 bucks a month hoping he gets the hint, but he just takes it out of the next month's rent.
Do any of these people appreciate what the neighborhood they're living in could be?
I'm trying to convince the owners of that taqueria on the corner to change their décor to incorporate some more of that funky Day Of The Dead motif I really like. But they insist on bland white walls. Ugh! I can barely pronounce the name, let alone enjoy its delicious, reasonably priced meals. Plus, you could take all the cool stuff from the five thrift stores and make one really great vintage shop. They'd make a fortune! And, you know, we would all have a fantastic view of downtown if only they'd tear down that dilapidated garage by the waterfront. Or, better yet, they could turn it into a restaurant with a roof deck. Can you say "brunch on the harbor"?
I can't be the only one who'd like to see a community garden and dog run around here, can I?
It sure would help attract people like me if there was a record store, too, and not the one with the giant Shakira cutout in the window. I mean a decent one. I went in to see if they had the new Fiery Furnaces, and they had never heard of it. They said they'd see if they could order it for me, but I declined. I mean, what's the point of supporting a local business if it's not cool?
It feels like I'm the only one trying to do any good around here.
When I first moved in, I loved the 50-cent coffees—it was like living in the '80s—but I wish they'd listen to me and start making lattes. I know I'd pay the extra three bucks, and I'm sure everyone else around here would, too.
I've tried being proactive. But none of the locals I've talked to about bringing in a co-op health-food grocery store have seemed excited at all. Nor have I gotten any of them to take part in my community open-house idea for hip young people to come see what this neighborhood is capable of. What did they do instead? They had a barbecue. With very loud music.
I mean, I don't want the people here to leave. I just want them to stay inside more. Especially if they're not going to do anything to bring this community to life. But they're always out on their stoops, just playing dominoes or talking. I like talking, but I do it inside, where it was meant to be done. It makes me uncomfortable to have people watching me all the time. Not that I think they'd do anything, but I just like to be a little more private.
Also, their dogs stay outside and bark all day. I like dogs just fine, but why can't their dogs be smaller and more nervous?
It's getting to the point where I feel like I'm tilting at windmills. But I can't give up—I know this neighborhood would benefit from the diversity of more people like me moving in. If you need a good place to live, come check out my 'hood. It's quirky, but it could use a few more creative types to get it jumping. But no developers—those guys just ruin it for the rest of us.

I Can't Believe I'm Writing This...

2006-08-24T10:16:00.000-04:00

I am writing this with a sense of shame and sadness. Over a year ago, I decreed that the song "My Humps" was satanic. I used the term satanic because I had never heard a song so badly made with such dumb lyrics and amateur hour production. The song, needless to say, went all the way to number one. I still firmly believe that the hand of Satan made this possible.

So, why all the backstory? Because Fergie, the "female" singer of the Black Eyed Peas, has now come out with her solo joint. Besides the fact that her team was smart enough to name the album "The Dutchess" (wink, wink. get it?) they have created a song that is also even more influenced by Satan. The song is "London Bridge".

This song has an amazing beat. The lyrics are, shall we say, confusing and immature. There have been some bad euphemisms for sex. I'm looking at you Kelis and your milkshake, but we have come up for a new one that has officially blown my mind.

"Every time you come around/ my London, London Bridge wanna go down."

What?

I can't even begin to fathom what this is. But, I am pretty sure that whatever I think of could give me nightmares of the Lovercraft/Sutter Cane variety. Society might crumble because of this song. And, do you know why I feel this way? Because I love this song!

I can usually stay away from things like this. But, the beat is redrunkulous. And the lyrics are dumb, but easy to learn. It creates a song that never leaves your brain.

So, I apologize to all my fans and everyone who thought I had good taste. It's obvious I can be seduced to the dark side.

Get these motherf@$%ing snakes off my motherf@$%ing review!!!!

2006-08-21T16:17:00.000-04:00

So it was inevitable. When the title of this movie was first leaked on the internet, I knew I would be there. The title was genius. So obvious, so specific, so perfect. Snakes on a Plane. What more could you ask?
After seeing the movie you knew this interaction could never happen.
"I would like my money back I was completely dissatisfied. I saw a movie that was filled with plot holes, bad acting, and general stupidity. It was called Snakes on a Plane and it was not to the quality I expect."
When you see a movie like this you know what to expect.
I knew what to expect.
The thing that sells the movie is the fact that it knows what it is. It never tries to be anything more than a fun frightfest. It reminded me more of the kinds of things Roger Corman used to make in the 1970's. It was closer to Pirahna than Jaws.
Many times movies try to be more than they are. This movie knew it was a B movie with a plot open for fun and gross-outs. It delivered like Dominoes. Many of the deaths were scary and many had the audience saying "aaahhhhh". Fantastic.
There are a few surprises as to who lived although all the deaths were telegraphed. The British jerk is marked from his first scene. But it's worth it because the death he causes and his own death are great. You laugh and are disgusted at the same time. That's the mark of quality in exploitation. A great thing about the movie was the high percentage of "that guys" who filled the screen. There were jokes that were intentional and unintentional and they even used the old spring loaded cat device. Luckily the film went for an R rating so we got some boobies, a snake attached to a penis, and many gory snake attacks leaving bloated, bloody, and severely damaged victims.
The plot doesn't really matter. But, I will say that the writing, directing, and acting were all better than they needed to be. I was surprised they went out and got some real actors and even some of the lesser characters did some real acting. The plot has a few holes, but honestly, no more than movies that purport to have bigger budgets, stars, and quality.
The biggest thing I missed was seeing this at a seedy Times Square theater. The audience I saw it with however, screamed, laughed, and applauded. They had a good time. I had a good time. I only wish it was the 70's so I could have seen this film with Frogs, Sssss, or Death Race 2000.
Come check out these motherf@$%ing snakes on the motherf@$%ing plane.

Movie Quiz Madness

2006-08-10T06:46:00.000-04:00

Especially for Kelly, I tried to make this one especially hard!!!!!
Good luck to all!
Here are three songs and the artists who perform them. Guess the movie.

The Man in Me (Bob Dylan)
Hotel California (Los Lobos)
Her Eyes are a Blue Million Miles (Captain Beefheart)

hahahahahahahahaha!!!!!
I hope to see plenty of guesses!

Rememberence of Therapy's Past

2006-08-07T09:02:00.000-04:00

Tired of solipsistic blogs? Too bad. I am sorry that many of you didn't see my comedy husband Josh Homer. But, you will have to see him sometime. He is a great comic and you will want to say you knew him when.

Now, on to the show. Adam, as always, was hilarious and a great host. He is a pro at it and I can't wait for his show at Caroline's. It should be awesome.

The weirdest thing about the show was everyone talking to each other like blind dates. "Hey I've seen your picture. Aren't you...I really like your blog." It was some wild, weird stuff. But, putting voices, personalities, and comedy to the names was amazing. There are many times I do not feel like a comic. Last night, I felt like a comic. I talked about jokes, rooms, the state of comedy. It was great.

Now, on to my set. I don't really brag that much about my sets. I don't talk about my shows because I am not comfortable with it. I also think that many times people are deluded about how well or badly they did. But, I just want to say that last night was one of the best sets I've ever had. The jokes hit and after the show many of my people, the gays, came up and gave me love. I got such a warm fuzzy. Also, Robin Fox gassed me up after my set so I was walking on air.

For anyone who has never seen me, I'll just quote Jeanne Noll. "I've only seen your picture. I never thought your comedy would be like that."

It was a great night. Laughs, tears, comedy. It was everything I look for in a show. And, I got to see some amazing comics. Here in NYC, we might all be struggling, but it is not for lack of talent. I was so proud.

But, enough about me. What do you think of me?

Celebrity Sufferers of Exhaustion...Unite!!!!

2006-08-03T17:25:00.000-04:00

You can now add yours truly to this list of heavyweights. I just got back from a medical appointment. I am officially suffering from exhaustion related to my lyme disease.
To wit:
For the past week I have had a lot of pain on my right side. For those of you who do not remember all of your Amy lore, at age fifteen I had shingles and they were on my right side. Now, a little medical information. Shingles is the provence of the extreme aged, unless your name is Amy Patrick.
So, I was a little nervous. I decided to get a check up. My doctor ran a battery of tests, asked questions, and did some more tests. Thankfully, I do not have palsy!!!! That is common with lyme sufferers. I have had lyme for almost six years and this is the first big flair up with it.
I have been ordered to spend the next week taking it easy, taking medicine, and continue with my diet and exercise. So, along with my other celebrity brethren, I am officially suffering from exhaustion.

The Movie Quiz Strikes Again!!!!!

2006-08-02T16:27:00.000-04:00

Another movie quiz to tide you over...

What movie featured these three songs:

I'm Your Boogie Man- KC and the Sunshine Band
Hang on Sloopy- The McCoy's
Dream Weaver- Gary Wright

Also, if you have this Sunday free, come see me at Therapy (http://www.therapy-nyc.com/).

It's true!!!!

2006-07-31T14:08:00.000-04:00

Your Personality Is

Idealist (NF)
You are a passionate, caring, and unique person.You are good at expressing yourself and sharing your ideals.
You are the most compassionate of all types and connect with others easily.Your heart tends to rule you. You can't make decisions without considering feelings.
You seek out other empathetic people to befriend.Truth and authenticity matters in your friendships.
In love, you give everything you have to relationships. You fall in love easily.
At work, you crave personal expression and meaning in your career.
With others, you communicate well. You can spend all night talking with someone.
As far as your looks go, you've likely taken the time to develop your own personal style.
On weekends, you like to be with others. Charity work is also a favorite pastime of yours.

What's crazy to me is that I answered only three questions and the test got me pretty close. Except for my annoyance with the elderly, they hit the nail on the head.

Coming Soon...

2006-07-27T15:21:00.000-04:00

Very busy here at the compund. New posts coming next week.

Stealing the Subersive.....

2006-07-21T07:40:00.000-04:00

http://www.world66.com/myworld66/visitedStates/statemap?visited=AZCADCFLGAILINKYLAMDMAMONVNJNYNCOHPASCTNTXWV">
> your own visited states map or check'>http://douweosinga.com/projects/googlehacks">check out these Google Hacks.

Name that Movie III: This Time it's Personal

2006-07-10T20:16:00.000-04:00

Okay, so I'm taking it up a notch. If you can answer this question, you know the drill.

I went super hard just to throw Cary Grant Guy off. Good luck everyone.

Question:
Name the two films that use the song "He Needs Me" written by Harry Nilsson as sung by Shelly Duvall.

Good luck!

Albums that Changed my Life

2006-07-07T10:09:00.000-04:00

I think everyone has had albums that changed their lives. I was thinking the other day that there were many albums that made me the way I am. I also read an article that talked about how the music you hear in Junior High and High School is the music that shapes you. With that in mind, I wanted to write about five albums that changed my life. I did not cover classic albums that were made before I was born. I am focusing solely on music I heard in those formative years and Where they lead me.

1. Album that made me start listening to Oxford University's radio station
Violent Femmes/Violent Femmes
I know, that for me, hearing songs like "Add it Up", "Gone Baby Gone", and "Blister in the Sun" transport me back to 8th grade. This was the first album I bought that was truly alternative. The music was a little off. The singer had a nasal voice and almost atonal style. It wasn't like any rock music I had heard. It was almost a complete opposite of the music of Van Halen, Motley Crew, etc. The songs were about taboo topics like masturbation. This album is still an influence. Don't believe me? Get the new Gnarls Barkley CD, they cover "Gone Baby Gone".

2. Album that got me interested in classic soul music
Bell Biv Devoe/Poison
Listening to this CD now can be a little embarrassing. New Jack Swing, as a style, has dated badly. It sounds older and more alien than music from the 70's. But, this CD was always in my player. The songs were dirty and had a great beat. It was one of the first things I ever bought that was straight up R&B singing. Nowadays, I listen to classic soul like The Staples, Al Greene, et. al., and I love the modern divas like Mary J. and Mariah. A lot of my love of this music comes from the research I did after hearing Bell Biv Devoe, now you know.

3. Album that turned my onto Hip-Hop
Public Enemy/Fear of a Black Planet
I listened to rap for a long time. Mainly I listened to it to dance to it or bob my head. I never really listened to the lyrics. That all changed my freshman year. I was watching "Yo! MTV Raps!" and something very different came on. There was a rally, with a very angry dude, and soldiers, and a wacko in a big clock. You all know what it was. It was "Fight the Power". I had never heard anything like that. The music was layered. There were at least three levels to the sound. The lyrics weren't party time. They were revolution time. I become addicted. I bought all their CD's. I started to find other artists like them. I started to really understand hip-hop.

4. Album that Changed my opinion of Madonna and dance music
Madonna/Like a Prayer
So, I always enjoyed Madonna's music. It was fun, danceable, cute. But, this album changed my mind about her as an artist. This album was almost completely written by her. There were songs that discussed her life, duets with artists I admired, and "Like a Prayer" which is one of the best pop songs ever made. To me, the album was a huge step for her. After that, the level of her artistry was higher than before that album. She became more of an artist rather than a star. And, "Act of Contrition" is almost as scary as The Beatle's "Revolution #9".

5. Album that made me realize I will never truly rock out
Metallica/ The Black Album
Every person who likes metal always uses the same defenses. "Those guys have classical music style, listen to the progressions." "The lyrics are more personal and lyrical." "The content expresses the rage of the listener" Blah, blah, blah. To me, it has always sounded like noise. It's too much crunching and sound and yelling. If I wanted a bearded dude to yell at me, I would piss my dad off. I have realized over the years that music like AC/DC, The Who, and Led Zeppelin are probably as hard as it gets for me. And, to all fans let me throw some fire on the flame. Just playing loud and fast doesn't make you deeper or more talented.

Worst. Dream. Ever.

2006-07-05T10:24:00.000-04:00

I know this can't be normal. I had a dream about auditioning for the Comic Strip. My dream was so vivid and real that it upset for as few days. Once you read this dream. You might be able to see why I was so disturbed.In my dream, Starla introduces me and I go on stage. I get heckeld and the crowd is openly hostile. So, I start doing crowd work. I mean, I do no jokes. I just go at the audience. Everyone, including myself, is stunned. I am not getting anywhere. And, it is at this moment when the wheels come off the comedy wagon in my dream.

I take my shirt off. And my bra. I am totally topless. My boobs are just out for the world to see. And I continue to do crowd work. While this is happening it's like I split. I am not scared about being topless. I am more upset about bombing. But I am also watching myself from above in horror. I can't believe I am doing this. I feel like I am doing everything I can. But, I'm not. I do my last desperate act.I take off my pants. I am now on stage completely naked.

As I stand there nude I am given the light. I pick up my clothes and leave the stage. I go and stand around naked. I talk to Josh and Sim and they both ask me what happened. Never mind the elephant in the room, the conversation is straight comedy. They can't believe how bad I did. They bring up the crowd work. All I can do is cry and say, "I wasn't ready. I thought I got a practice set."

So, I think we all know where this story ends. I do not get passed. Starla basically asks me if I am mentally ill. I am banned from the Strip. However, she tells me to get more practice.

I leave and that's when I woke up.

I can only hope Oct. 13th goes better than my dream.

Name that Movie (A New Game)

2006-07-05T10:20:00.000-04:00

Here, it is. Last week was obviously too easy. So, I am doing it again. I have listed three songs below that all come from the same movie. It's your job to guess that movie. We'll see if people know it.

I think this one might be tougher than last time. Enjoy!!!

Compared to What (Roberta Flack)
Machine Gun (The Commodores)
Living Thing (ELO)

If noone guesses after a while. I will give you one more song. And, then I will reveal the answer.

On 8 Years in NYC

2006-07-03T14:13:00.000-04:00

I have been thinking about my last 8 years in NYC. I can't believe it and yet every minute is amazing. I wanted to share the lyrics to a song I really love. It expresses my feelings about moving to NYC in a way I never could.

I GUESS THE LORD MUST BE IN NEW YORK CITY
By Harry Nilsson
I’ll say goodbye to all my sorrow
And by tomorrow I’ll be on my way
I guess the-Lord must be in New York City
I’m so tired of gettin’ nowhere
Seein’ my prayers goin’ unanswered
I guess the-Lord must be in New York City
Well here I am Lord knocking on your back door
Ain’t it wonderful to be where I’ve always wanted to be
For the first time I’ll breathe free here in New York City.
Say goodbye to all my sorrow
And by tomorrow I’ll be on my way
I guess the-Lord must be in New York City
So tired of gettin’ nowhere
And seein’ my prayers goin’ unanswered
I guess the-Lord must be in New York City
Well here I am Lord knocking on your back door
Ain’t it wonderful to be where I’ve always wanted to be
For the first time I’ll breathe free here in New York City.

I Come to Bury Star Jones, Not to Praise Her

2006-06-28T22:06:00.000-04:00

We will never see the Rosie smackdown. It's a shame. But really, Star should have been more gracious. Watch Gawker's clip. She burned one of the biggest bridges in the business. Good luck with that. I feel bad for Star because she has not seemed happy since she got skinny. And, her marriage to Al has been ragged on by everyone. The best quote has to be from Kathy Griffin. "Al is so gay, when he walks by all you hear is snapping." But, she never made herself seem like a real person. Her over the top self-love made her unbearable.

I am really only sad that the Rosie smackdown will not occur. Shameful. I cry a single Indian litter tear for this chain of events.

Name that Movie (A New Game)

2006-06-28T00:36:00.000-04:00

So, for all you movie nerds, I've decided to post a weekly movie music list. I'll give you three songs that were in a movie and you try to guess which movie I'm talking about.
I know that most people use this page to suck time. So, I thought I would do my part.

Here it is...
Which movie featured these three songs?
Jump into the Fire (Nilsson)
Remember (Walkin' in the Sand) (Shangri-Las)
Sunshine of Your Love (Cream)

If noone gets it in a few guesses, I'll add a final song that might give it away.
Good luck!

My Apologies

2006-06-27T08:15:00.000-04:00

So, I'm working on my You Tube page. Please be patient and the hilarity will ensue!

I'm On You Tube!!!!

2006-06-26T17:28:00.000-04:00

If you want to check out my hilarious comedy, and by hilarious I mean mediocore. Then check out the link below. It might still be tweaking a bit, but give it a try.

CHECK ME OUT!!!!!

A Few Small Shout Outs!!!!

2006-06-26T14:45:00.000-04:00

So, I was gone for a few days. But, I'm back. More movie reviews will be coming! But for now, just a few small messages.

I hope everyone in NYC had a great Pride weekend. In this crazy time where the older generation is trying to make things the way they want, we all have to fight for our GLTB brothers and sisters. Celebrate diversity always.
I got the job at Manhattan Charter School. I will be the program director of the After-School Program and I will also be working one day a week on their library. Wish me luck!
Happy Birthday to Kristy and Eroica. Good luck and God bless
And finally, congratulations of graduation to my girl Kaela. I am so proud of her. Words can never say how much I have wished for this day. Life has so much to offer and this is only the first step.

So, that's all for now. Check back soon. Reviews, music opinions, and some other surprises are coming your way.

Amy's Movie Reviews

2006-06-14T18:58:00.000-04:00

So, another round of hilarious and insightful movie reviews from yours truly.

X3: The Last Stand (dir. Bret Ratner)
So, I am a big X-Men fan. I loved the first two movies and the 90's cartoon show was appointment viewing for me in college. Don't ask. But, this last movie was highly dissapointing. The action scenes were great and I thought my favorite character, Beast, was handled well. The rest of the movie, however, was highly lacking. When you see a movie like this with my hubby a huge comic book fan you start to hate it even more. He knew everything and what they did wrong with them. So, not good times. As usual, Halle Berry was the weak link. I have said this from the beginning, Iman is perfect. For God's sake she's African, beautiful, tall, and regal. Last time I checked, Storm was all those things. The main point of the XMen is the idea of being gay, Jewish, or minority. Bryan Singer, as a gay man, brought a feeling to the films that was vital. Bret ratner has never really been an outsider, therefore, he is not really the right fit for the XMen. Oh well, I await Superman and Spider-Man 3.

The Break-Up (dir. Peyton Reed)
Everyone knows I am not a huge Jennifer Aniston fan. I find that she seems really rigid and not comfortable with herself. Nicole Kidman has this problem as well. But, Nicole gave about ten amazing performances and I had to reconsider. Aniston has not really done that yet. I think she might be a good actor, I just haven't seen it yet. So, it is with all that in kind that I tell you how much I liked this movie. The story has been told many times, however, it takes a very non-commercial way to get there. It is surprising how little it feels like this movie was made by committee. It has a strong voice that doesn't cheat. It's funny and sad and will hit a lot of people close to home. I am really happy how well the movie has done. I think it will surprise a lot of people with the risks it takes. Give it a chance, I did and was greatly rewarded.

A Prairie Home Companion (dir. Robert Altman)
So, you all knew I would see this movie opening weekend. Robert Altman is my favorite director. Bad Altman is still better than say, really good Michael Bay. The movie is typical Altman so I enjoyed it. The acting is solid, the songs are god, blah blah blah. You've heard it all before. If you like Altman or Grrison Keillor see the movie. Everyone else should stay away. The "Bad Jokes" number steals the show and Kevin Kline gives the best performance.

My Sentiments Exactly!

2006-06-13T16:57:00.000-04:00

I usually don't cut and paste, but reading this I felt such a kinship to what the author wrote, I wasnted to let others see it. I found it through Gawker and it was originally posted on http://www.tremble.com

Last night some words were had on a slow-moving G train from Greenpoint. The first set of words came from an older Hispanic gentleman. He was celebrating Puerto Rican pride with a friend, by yelling in drunken Spanish and smoking a cigarette on the train.

The second set of words were delivered by a young, white woman who was the very picture of North Williamsburg gentrification—H&M army jacket, fixed-gear bicycle, and a scruffy sense of political activism and civic pride that someday will calcify into exacting self-righteousness played out with a series of handmade signs around her apartment building, bearing messages like "THIS TREE NEEDS WATER, NOT DOG PEE" and "PLEASE STOP YOUR VAL-PAK TERRORISM NOW!!" Having no apparent Puerto Rican pride of her own, she was admonishing/lecturing the older gentleman on his special day.

"You're smoking on the train. Do. Not. Smoke. On. The. Train." Her words were clipped, like she was assembling sentences with something called SEVERELY DISAPPROVING MAGNETIC POETRY. As she lectured the old man, he waved her off and took turns dragging from his cigarette and chuckling in Spanish. ("Chuckling in Spanish" is also a very dirty sex act that involves a large meal, some nitrous oxide and a diaper attached to a slingshot.) While he chuckled and smoked, she continued.

"Stop. Smoking. Now."

"gigglerelleno."

"Seriously. Stop. It's. Illegal. You. Are. Making. All. Of. Us. Sick. With. Your. Smoking. Can. You. Understand. Me?"

"glurb..."

"Stop. It. Stop. It. Stop."

"Heheheheperdidafumarexcellentegrrrmmphhh."

Finally, she resorted to the quintessential square-and-angry-and-struggling-to-relate-to-inner-city-types plea: "That's not cool, man. That's NOT COOL." Whenever I hear those words—and I've even said them myself, after exchanging a lot of angry dialogue with 10 year-old black kid who had hurled a rock at my girlfriend as she rode by on her bicycle—I get a horrible feeling in my skin, like all the Caucasian is racing up to the surface. Spike Lee perfectly captured this particular kind of inter-racial discomfort in Do the Right Thing, when John Savage (in his Celtics jersey – get it?) had some loud words with a group of black teenagers after accidentally scuffing one of their brand-new Air Jordans. ("Them shits is broke!")

In the battle of Puerto Rican Pride vs. Civic Pride, it was a dead heat. The more the young woman scolded the old man, the more drunk and cigarette-crazy he seemed to get. Finally, the conductor popped his head out and explained that cops were on their way. (The young girl took this as a win for her team, and warned the old man that now the cops were coming and he was going to have to pay $100 for smoking and no one could go anywhere because we were all stopped thanks to him and I hope you're happy. He was, by all accounts, happy.) Moments later, three uniformed officers entered the train and ordered the old man and his pal to vacate the train. While this was happening, the young girl and her friends were helpfully pointing out where the old man had hastily discarded his cigarette.

Perhaps their Puerto Rican pride was radiating too strongly, because the old men refused to exit the train. (Or didn't understand the request.) A minor scuffle broke out and, finally, two of the officers lifted the drunks out of their seats, their old arms waggling, grabbing at the air, and roughly escorted them off the train with a hearty shove. The train doors closed, and we all proceeded in silence.

Though I was sorry to see the old men go, it was kind of interesting to see how the situation was handled. Sometimes I forget that police officers can just grab people and shove them out of a train, and that's just called "protecting and serving." If anyone else had done that (and many of us were surely thinking about it) it would have been considered short-tempered, and possibly a little insane/dangerous. But the police intervention seemed pretty reasonable.

Honestly, whether they were wearing police badges or Batman costumes, the uniform really does justify certain types of behavior. I only wish one of the officers had turned on the young girl, pushed a finger into her collarbone, and said, "And you: calm the fuck down. Your lack of Puerto Rican pride disgusts me! NOT COOL." because that was the other thing I really wanted to do but was too afraid it would make me look crazy.